The Last Day of 2012

In a few hours, we will say goodbye to 2012 and say hello to 2013.

Another year gone.  Many of us would look back to mark our life events.  I look back at it and realize it was a routine year.  Work, home, work home.  Was there really anything significant enough for it to be a life event?  Nope.  Everyday was the same.  Work, home, work, home.

Next year, Kayla is turning 18.  An adult.  Empowered to vote.  She will have a voice in the world.  Able to buy my cigarettes and alcohol.  No longer will she be a simple kid.  She can change the world.  I'm surprised that she is only 18 because she is so much older than that to me.  She's smarter than me, for sure.  She looks at prices and weighs worth before buying anything which is a possible indication that she will handle money way better than me in the future.  She will be more prosperous and hopefully, she will be happier in other aspects of life.  That is not saying that I am not happy with mine but, hey, there is always room for improvement.  

Speaking of room, I purged my shoe room.  I threw out some.  I had some repaired.  I have a couple of shoes that I cannot, for the life of me, throw out.  Both are really sturdy and have lasted at least 5 years. One is a pair of wooden clogs and the other one is silver wedges.  The latter may have to go sometime soon.  I have probably used each a total of 4 times in all these years and I really love them.  What's my point?  I gotta let go of some stuff in my life that are not very useful even if I love them.  Like what?  I don't know what for sure.  What about stuff I'm addicted to.  Smoking.  It's a nasty habit.  I got an electronic cigarette already.  But no promises.

This past weekend, I watched the marathon show of Mankind: The Story Of All Of Us and realized how humans generally progressed from greed.  The never-ending desire for more.  I watched how weapons developed from sticks to stones to sharp stones to metal to small bullets to bigger bullets to cannon balls.  Bigger, better, faster, more accurate, more devastating.  I wonder, if the founding mother never planted the first farm, what would we be?  Where would we be?  Will we be here at all?  Probably not.  The series is a remarkable creation.  The men who changed the world through warfare, discoveries, accidents, inventions and sheer courage were awesome.  Imagine setting out to sea in little boats armed with nothing but spears and the stars to navigate by in the quest for new land.  Unbelievable!  Look at us, the modern man, we have to be armed with credit cards, cellphones and GPS to go to the next city.  Bah!

So here I am, killing the last few hours of the year talking pointlessly, smoking, listening to tribal house music and looking forward to another year as if I have any other choice.  

All in all, 2012 was a good year.  I had gloomy days which made me enjoy the sunny days.  I embraced loosely and lost so now I embrace tightly even if I will someday lose.  

Blue Christmas Blues

Christmas ceased to be a merry time for me when I reached adulthood.  I'm not a very thoughtful person so it's stressful to hunt for gifts for my friends and family.  I admire people who can give gifts that are actually useful to the recipient while I give handfuls of chocolates or colored stones or something impersonal and generic like that.

This Christmas is especially blue for me.  I feel a loneliness that I wish I didn't feel.  

As usual, it is heartache.  (sigh)  Why do my woes always stem from my love life?  Year after year after year after year.  It's never ending!!!  Even I am tired of listening to myself!!!  Blah, blah, blah, over and over again.  Oh, I'm happy.  Oh, I'm sad.  Oh, I'm heartbroken.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Weeping, creeping Jessie, when will this ever END?!?

A long time ago, before husbands #1, #2 and first love, I preferred to have love affairs with married men because I was able to keep matters at arm's length.  I was in control.  I used to tell my friends who asked me why that I was safe with a married man because I knew the limits.  It will never hurt.  

And it was true... until now.

Maybe it's because I am older.  Maybe because I am not as vivacious as I used to be.  Maybe because I'm careless and carefree now.  Besides, I was the one who demanded that we give maximum from my paramour and oh, how he makes me feel so loved and happy.  It is magical!  It is so good I cannot talk about it.  I cannot describe it because I cannot find the words good enough to do it justice. He injects vibrancy to my life in a way that doesn't take my breath away but makes me celebrate each breath I take instead.   

I miss him each day he is away from me.  I long for him everyday.  On rainy afternoons, I wish he were with me to hold me while I napped.  I imagine nothing will be ordinary if he were with me... even the grocery.  He's having quality family time now exactly as he should and I am pleased.  But sometimes, a fleeting wish that he were mine would touch me for a nanosecond.  

This eensy-weensy, teeny-weeny bit of pain will only be mine.  I understand that and I accept it.  It makes our time together much, much more special.  It makes the moment we rush into each other's arms OMG-what-the-hell-is-this MIND-BLOWINGLY ELECTRIC!  

This is the sweetest taboo.

I Got Nothing Witty To Say

That's right!

All I have is pain. 

My legs hurt.

My arms hurt.

My fists hurt.

My abdominal muscles hurt.

My back hurts.

Most of all... my legs hurt.

I think perhaps I am working my aging body too hard.

I got a really short haircut.

Kayla said I look like an aging lesbian!  

December 2012

Already?!?

Why, it's practically the end of the world!

In 21 days, as a matter of fact!

I wonder how it will happen.  Will it be like in the movies?  A rain of asteroids and comets raining down on Earth?  How else could total destruction happen.  Will the Apocalypse come in the form of horsemen riding in from the horizon?  What time will it be?  Will we have the whole day on the 21st to live and hope or will it happen at the break of dawn?  Which timezone?  Or will it happen all at once?  In one moment, Earth will simply explode.  That would be fair, I think.  Nah... some will be asleep while others will be in the middle of their day and will be fully aware.  

I told Thor our thing expires every December 21.  He has to give me a something special to convince me to renew.  He gives me something special everyday.  L-O-V-E.  How plebeian can I be?!?  Sweet!  LOL!

Christmas is a mere 24 days away!  How exciting yet not!  What should I prepare for Christmas dinner?  I must consult my friend, Ruth!  She's on Cohen so it's possible she'll recommend boiled cabbage.  That will be a feast!

How can I be so happy?!?  ;p

Busted!

My very first TVR for a busted headlight.

And I thought the traffic aide was being nice until he whipped out his TVR booklet!  Grrrr.

November 2012

Already?!?

Why, it's practically the end of the world! 

Everyone is away today and for the first time in so many years, I cleaned the house all by my lonesome, gave the dogs a bath and cooked rice.  Cleaning the house once again proved that I am allergic to house dust therefore I should avoid disturbing it forever.  My dogs were happy I gave them a bath this week.  They got squeaky clean and fragrant unlike Yaya's perfunctory baths.  Igor was a well-behaved boy and suffered my ministrations.  The rest were their usual angelic selves who let me soap then shampoo then trim then clean their ears then brush and blow-dry their hair.  They love it.  Now they are all peacefully asleep at my feet except for Igor who is on his pillow like a little spoiled arthritic brat.

As for cooking rice, Kayla had a say in it.  She said just put lots of water anyway we like our rice really soft and it will turn out ok.  Once upon a time, when Kayla was still in my belly, I couldn't cook rice if it killed me.  One day, I put some rice on and forgot to turn on the cooker and only remembered it after a couple of days.  You can imagine what a smelly mess that was.  Ugh! 

Thankfully, my Mom cooked the chicken adobo although I do make a killer chicken adobo.  I remember how the last one I cooked was so good you'd want to keep chewing it because you don't want the taste to leave your mouth.  That was a good 25 years ago. I'm sure I can do it again!

This time last year, I fell in love for the first time in my life and got broken-hearted a few months after.  End of THAT story.

This year, I am happily loving someone special.  It's not the same.  There are risks and limitations but it sure is worthwhile.  I hope it lasts a long time.

Otherwise, life is still the same. 

Fun!

The GEM Rises Again

"O, beware, my lord, of jealousy;
It is the green-ey'd monster, which doth mock" - Shakespeare

It started when he told me he and his colleagues went to a girly bar.

I know.  It's silly.  It was nothing.  It was business.  It was just a night out with the boys.  It is hardly likely that he participated in the shenanigans.  

Oh, but no! The green-eyed monster (GEM) lives in me.  He is alive, he is strong and he will seize every chance he can to make me crazy.  He lurks in my subconscious and looms his ugly, glowing, green head in the dark.  The dreams!  The dreams woven by the GEM are vivid and undeniably possible.  They jolt me awake at night.  If I didn't believe in this man, they could be true.  They do bother me and I have a zit to prove it! 

The part of me that is a slave to the GEM is tearing out her short hair in misery while the other part that is not is looking at her in disgust and plays with her long locks in mockery.  She is displeased with this idiocy.  

No matter how illogical and unfounded my angst is, I cannot help it.  I cannot control it.  I cannot manage it.  I cannot dismiss it.  I cannot solve it.  I cannot resolve it.  I lose the battle each and every time.  I crack jokes about it during the day and defiantly stick my tongue out at it but in the middle of the night when I gnash my teeth, it is not funny.  Oh ko!  Oh ko!    

Just this moment, he sent me a text, "Good morning, mahal" and it made me smile.  Sweet!  I heard the GEM whisper in his raspy voice, "Oh? What if he sent it to someone else, too?"  Evil!

Regretfully, I allow the GEM to steal peace of mind and happiness from my life.  

What balderdash is this?!?  I know I am the ONLY other one! 

Antsy Me

I feel I am not doing enough.

I think I am not doing enough.

I know I am not enough.

Once in a while, I get this inexplicably strong urge to do something daring in the belief that it will catapult my ordinary life to another titillating level.  A level that is going to knock my socks off and leave me gasping for an ordinary life.  I guess this is not unique to me.  Everyone must get this feeling otherwise we will all rot in complacency.

Sometimes, I open a blank page on Word because I am besieged with a searing desire to write. And, hey, be mindful that THIS particular piece that I am about to write is not just another blah blah blah piece but this is going to be THE book that is the purpose of my life.  And then I stare at white... 

I've been feeling the need to go away on my own lately.  Just up and go without a care in the world.  Why wait for another friend to tag along.  Why wait for Kayla to have free time.  Why depend on someone else to make something happen.  These are not questions I ask for they are declarations I make.  

Behold my manacles!  They are going to shatter and I will be on the move!  I will seek to fill this void that is buried deep in the core of my being so that I will wobble no more!

Why the 'ell not!?!?  I go!!!

Oh, but I gotta send Kayla to school first and attend to the gazillion pending things in the office.

BRB!!!

October 2012

Already?!?

Why, it's practically the end of the world! 

A guy I frequently liaised with dropped dead a couple of weeks ago.  It was so sudden.  He simply dropped dead.  I viewed his remains to say goodbye.  He had a smile on his face.  He seemed at peace.  Way to go, Gary!

My own world almost ended last Thursday.  As I slid into a tight spot to the left of a taxi at the head of the lane and stared at the traffic light waiting for the other side's yellow light so I can turn left, it went through my mind that someone might beat the red light and hit me if I went about my usual millisecond-into-the-green-light zoom-zoom-zoom take off. There was a wall to my left high enough to block my view of the perpendicular street so I could get broadsided if someone did.  I idled... and true enough an SUV went zooming by even when we had the green light.  I could have died that night if I weren't in a languid Norah Jones mood.  Was that one life gone?  How many more left?

What if I did die that night?  What would happen?  Kayla will be OK.  She'll be taken care of by my friends and she'll find good homes for my dogs.  What about my beloved?  He will be consumed with sorrow.  He will miss me for a long time but his family will help him heal.  The thought of him painfully remembering me whenever he went to the places we went to (except our private place!!!) or did stuff that we did together (except s**!!!) or heard a song that I liked brought tears to my eyes.  How sad!  

Even sadder is if he died.  I will be broken.  I will always wait for the good morning text.  I will always wait for the morning call.  I will always wait for the smileys and the amishoos (Hah!  No arabias!) sent to me throughout the day.  I will always check my rear view mirror if he's there protecting my back until we part ways.  I will always wait for the good night text.  I will always miss his smile.  I will always miss how he looks at me.  I will always miss his corny jokes.  I will always miss his laugh.  I will always miss his kisses.  I will always miss his embrace.  I will always miss nestling in his arms.  I will always miss him.  With no way to heal, that part of me will be dead.  There will be no music in my life.  There will be no light.  

Always.  

Forever.  

Clearly, I MUST die first.

Yearning for Forever Love

My friend is feeling a deep yearning to be loved.  She said that she realized that it has been so long since she felt loved by a man.  She is tearfully empty emotionally.  She longs for a man to hold her in his arms and from his heart.  She longs to hold a man in her arms and from her heart. She seeks a love that is unhindered by worldly elements that will last forever.

It is sad how such a wonderfully caring and loving woman to be without romantic love for a long time in this wild, wide world. Is it because her standards are too high?  Has she set her sights wrong? Is she doing enough?  Is she doing too much? 

She said I make it seem so easy.  I fall in and out of love effortlessly. There is always someone who makes me happy or cry... love, nonetheless.  She said it as if it were evil, too!  LOL!    

I create love opportunities and I take them.  I psychologically and mentally open up and spiritually turn on my beacon.  I found that there will always be one or two who will home in.  Ah, love, sweet love!  I give it with careless abandonment.  It sure makes the world go round.  We can succeed in every other aspect of life but love? Love is a different kind of challenge.  It's crazy!  It's scary!  It's painful!  But what bliss when you have it!

I guess the trick is to go easy.  Just cruise.  But want it.  Don't fight it.  Don't try to kill it with trivialities.  Each man is someone's Adonis.  Each woman is someone's Aphrodite.

"Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to know that someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me out there." 
(Nickelback - Gotta Be Somebody)

Any moment could be the moment when you find the one you'll spend forever with.

September 2012

Already?!?!

Why, it's practically the end of the world!

My life is zipping by without any impact.  Not to me, not to the rest of the world.  I wonder if the people whose lives I touched remember me with fondness or try to forget I ever was?  How do I wish it?  Hmmm, well, the people in my past are in the past, aren't they?  What matters are the who are in my present.  The ones who are "live" right now.  The ones who smile when they see me.  The ones who miss me when they don't. 

Memories... ah, yes.  Will they all fade away?  I dread the prospect of Alzheimer's disease.  I think it is inevitable for me unless I exercise my brain more, take vitamin B and become less dependent on Google.  Google is really bad as it encourages people to neglect knowledge and make them dependent on its information accessibility.  Why bother remembering information when you can simply hit Google when you can't remember something, someone, someplace or sometime?   A mere 17 years ago, when I first became an EA, I knew everyone's numbers.  Now, I know diddly squat.  I can't memorize any telephone number aside from my home and my office and I even get them wrong sometimes.  I forget my daughter's name.  I forget the name of the man I hold in my arms almost everyday.  

Alas, this may be how my life will be.  Nothing but a kaleidoscope of faint memories.

What a blow to my egotistic side that thinks I am the Apocalypse!

Let's ride!

Which direction?  Gawdz... I forget.

Restricted!

Definitely restricted!

All I can say is when I am in his embrace, the world's cares fade away to oblivion.  I cannot remember ever feeling as cocooned with anyone else in all the long, tumultous years of my life!  It's as if there cannot be any space between us.  It's as if we disintegrate then reintegrate as one at mitochondrial level while we are in "our" world.  Yes, our very own compact world. A secret place where space and time do not exist... until the silent alarm goes off and I need to send him home.

Precious love borrowed.

Precious love returned.

Until the next amazing moments when we must become one.

August 2012

Already?!?

Why, it's practically the end of the world!

And I say again, how time flies!!! Soon, it will be 2014.  The year I am looking forward to.  It's the year when Kayla graduates.  It's the year when I will be debt-free.  It's the year when I can reap what I sowed.  Oooh, thrilling!

I enjoy my life.  It's so full of ups and downs.  Hardship and challenges riddle it until I feel like I'm buffeted by F5 winds. Often, I am swamped with bills to pay that seem never-ending and make me short of cash and breath as I chant "help me, help me, help me" as if there is some force out there that can.

Maybe there IS a force out there that is helping me because God only knows how I get by.

Illicit Love Affair

I bet the title got you curious!  Nosy, aren't you? LOL!

It's illicit so I cannot write about it.

It's making me happy though.

Typical.

;p

July 2012

Already?!?!

Why, it's practically the end of the world!


I transferred the office this weekend.  Right on schedule.  The other half is still in shambles but I expect that to be delivered by the end of this month.  I will be collecting monies from the non-believers who bet I'll not make my deadlines.  Mwahahaha!


Now, let's go on with life.

Alone

After gym, I grabbed the beer that our friendly waiter, Noel, stuck in the freezer for me last night.

I sat at a table to enjoy it.

I felt kinda alone.

I looked around and realized I WAS alone.

It dawned on me that this can happen for the rest of my life.

I guess I will simply have to get used to it.

Maximum Pleasure, Maximum Love

There is a song that goes something like that except it is MINIMUM love.  "Save your heart and let your body be enough, you'll get the maximum pleasure for the minimum love" by Mac Mcanally.  I used to agree... until now.  It truly is not enough to just let your body be enough, is it?  I want it to be maximum of everything.

Maximum pleasure, maximum love.  Anyone who is worth my time and attention is worth all that I can give.

My new man asked for maximum once upon a time and I told him I will always give him maximum because that's the way it should be.  We must embrace tight.  We must kiss deep.  Always.  Anything less is a waste of time.  The joy that we share will end, for nothing lasts forever, but while we have it, there is no reason to scrimp.  I celebrate every moment that we have together just as he does.  My day is brighter when I get a simple SMS from him.  My world explodes in colors when he draws me into his arms.

Oh, my ardent life.  What a roller coaster ride it is!

June 2012

Already?!?!

Why, it's practically the end of the world!

How time flies when one is alive whether you're having fun or just getting by.  It's remarkable how deadlines that seemed so far ahead now looms so close.  I am now in urgent mode.  At least, as far as the office move is concerned. Otherwise, I am just chillin' and enjoying each day.  I went through a short anguish-filled period when my world was so painful and grey but it's over now.  The sun is shining gaily and brightly in the horizon against a bright blue, cloud-spattered sky.  Ah, how nice it is to be alive!

Nowadays, even I notice the perky sway of my gait when I stride to the office.  I notice how quick it is for me to stop being irritated even if I still get irritated in a snap. I like what I see.  I like what I hear.  I like what I smell.  I like what I touch.  I like what I taste.  I like what I feel.  Everything is fun (except when I pay the bills)!

Nowadays, I'm a live emoticon.

Post-AOL

I've been unable to delve into my thoughts hence my silence.  I existed on surface level for a few weeks because I was in pain. Every time I looked past my eyes, my tears would fall and my body would be wracked in pain as if a disease was making my flesh rot away.  I was agonized.

I was extremely disappointed with the AOL whom I thought was The One.

He's not.

Finally.

I am getting better now.

I am healing.

Finally.

Die-hard Nickelback Fan

I know, I know... people are tired of me because I always listen to Nickelback.  I really love all their songs and I mean ALL their songs. I know them by heart.

Their lyrics express a lot of me.  My thoughts, my feelings, my dreams.

Some people will scoff at this because we can't please everyone.  Kayla thinks they are so-so but kinda noisy.  I find their songs sentimental.

If NB ever comes here, you bet your sweet a** I'm going to be in front.

And I'll be screaming like a teenager.

You can bet your a**.

Gangsta Girl at 43

Hahaha!  Hahahahahahaha!  I wish!

Love All Over Again

Yeah, why not?

There's no point in holding back.  What for?  For the right one?  For the right time?  How can one be sure what this one is?  There's no way.  So why not go all in all the time just in case this is THE ONE, right?

No fears.  No holds barred.

Someday, somehow, the one who deserves me will find me.  I'm going to find the one I deserve.  Enough of the pining!  I'll smile and stop worrying. When I get hurt, I'll let the tears flow then smile again.  For what is life without some pain?  It will be a safe life.  It will be a life not lived.  A boring life.  A dead life.

Today, I decided to live and love all over again.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Again.

And again.

One step forward, touch, hop, two steps back.  Single, single, double and hop! Forward, center, back!

This sounds so much like the Zumba steps that I'm trying to learn.  This is how we are, the AOL and I.  So much challenge for poorly coordinated individuals like myself.  I need to pay it full attention or else I'll get lost. Hell, I get lost even when I pay full attention!  Major, major challenge!

I want to give up on Zumba.

I want to give up on the AOL.

Maybe I should.

There are others out there.

Simpler and easier to live with.

Like kickboxing.

My 8th Dog

Chinese Rooster and Dog can work out but they need to overcome some difficulties. Dog has more energy and isn't much of a perfectionist like Rooster. Rooster will guard their finances carefully only to have Dog give money away. This can be a very big issue. If they can reach a compromise they can both live with, they may be happy. Dog can help Rooster learn to accept and receive affection. Rooster can give Dog someone they can truly trust. Their relationship won't be perfect, but they can have a pleasant life.

In business, these two will be successful. They both work hard to achieve their goals. Their complementary skills work well in a business atmosphere. Rooster is practical and clever. Dog is trustworthy and holds the business to high standards. They will be a terrific team.

When this pairing consists of a Dog man and a Rooster woman, after a brief shining time of newness, they will begin to clash. She will learn she isn't the most important thing in his life, which is a great blow. He expects her to make his life comfortable and reassure him to overcome his innate insecurities. She isn't that kind of person, however. She may become aggressive, which will tend to depress him.

Source: www.alwaysastrology.com

Aha! The line in bold is so true! It is a GREAT, BIG BLOW! I want to stomp my talons, crow and beat my chest. Being a rooster, I like to preen and be pretty.  I expect people to look at me when I enter a place.  I like taking care of my looks and strutting my stuff.  I like being a star.  Why can't my 8th dog give me this?

According to Chinese Astrology, the Rabbit and the Dog are the two signs that are most incompatible with the Rooster. 

The Summer Wind...

... came blowing in from across the sea.

The sun is so bright it hurts my eyes and scorches my skin.  The wind is so warm that it feels like I'm in a convection oven. It is summer!

When I was a child (and I'm sure each and every child), I looked forward to the summer with so much eagerness.  It was play time! No schoolwork!  I could play all day!  Well, except for the mandatory couple of hours of afternoon nap.  My father used to check us in our beds and blow on our eyes to make sure we were really asleep.  Wasn't that silly?  I must do this when Kayla is asleep.  I want to know how she will react.  Will her eyes "blink" or will they be unaffected?  Will she wake up?  I must make sure I spray her with some saliva when I do it!  LOL!

Now that I am older and no longer entitled to carefree play time, summer is the time to put on extra sun block.  How annoying it is to have skin that gets burned even from the reflection of the afternoon sunlight.  Sun block on my face every day for the rest of my life and all over during summer. I wish they can make sun block in pill form so that I can just pop one everyday.  That would be much, much more convenient.  Imagine, five minutes of my day is spent waiting for the sun block to be absorbed by my skin.  Everyday. That is 1.27 days of waiting every year.

It is my destiny to wait for hours or days and even years on end for something or someone to happen.

Patience, patience, my dear.  Everything will happen at the right time and place.

I can't wait (oh, but I must!) to go to the beach in a couple of weeks.  Sun, sand, sea, wind, reggae and tequila!!!  Yeah, baby!!!

Oh, don't forget the gobs and gobs of sun block.

All Dogs Go To Heaven

"The dog is the only creature on earth who loves you more than he loves himself."

Without my dogs, I am dead.

No Peace Today

Today is not a peaceful day. Today, I am full of anxiety. I am inundated with fear. I am mighty scared.

All the usual activities that relax me failed. I gave 4 of my dogs their bath and brushed and blow-dried their hair. I did my toenails and fingernails and painted them a pretty shade of dark pink. I played my Mafia Wars. I watched TV. I listened to Andrea Bocelli. I even ate some french fries.

Nothing. Nothing could give me peace today. Tears kept rolling down my face.

I have a scenario in my head where the AOL spends the weekends courting a nice (not me), proper (definitely not me), young (duh) woman to be his wife while he strings me along on the side just in case it doesn't work out right and then one day, he will casually inform me he got married as if he was telling me he bought a new car. Already, my heart is broken.

Why do I even imagine these scenarios? Why am I so paranoid? It's not as if I don't know what kind of a person the AOL is. He's not devious that way. He's not a jerk. He's a good guy. I am the evil one. I am the jerk. This explains it, doesn't it? That scenario is something I can do and have actually done in the past. I have cheated and lied to the ones who loved me.

Only this time, I am truly, unequivocally, emotionally involved. This time, I can get kicked in the face by karma with the full force of all the past heartaches I caused. One time, big time, baby! I remember the pain in the faces of the exes whose names I cannot recall anymore but I remember Ford's face. I think he is the one I hurt the most and the one I deeply regret. I suspect that it is because of him that I have failed in all my relationships. My penalty for Ford.

So now, it's my turn. It feels like I'm playing Russian Roulette where there is only one empty chamber. I've stepped up to the plate, I got the muzzle against my head and I am going to pull the trigger.

Click! Click! Bang! Bang!

Peace For Mankind

I feel peaceful. I'm amazed.

I don't think I have ever felt like this before. There was always something bugging me. It's almost as if I sprayed on a strong insect repellent that drove off them bugs. They're not even up my a**!

It must be because I've been listening to Andrea Bocelli a lot. That man has quite a voice. It's absolutely relaxing. Goodbye earth!

So here I am, with not a care in the world, wondering what to fret about. Who should I pester and about what? I'm at a total loss. Maybe I should pester David Prout. Nah. He's used to me. I can't penetrate his English cool. Maybe I should pester the AOL. Nah. He's been a sweet bun. Maybe I should pester Kayla! Aha! I'll drag her to the grocery! She'll be mighty pissed. LOL!

My dogs are all asleep. They must have had a rough night. It's hot as hell but the sun is so bright I can't help but love it! I'll just count on my super-strength anti-perspirant to hold up.

Tralala! Tralala!

What's Happening?

Why, nothing at all!

Nothing remarkable is happening.

Life is passing by with no hitches.

Smooth as silk.

Everything is A-Ok.

I am happy as a pig in mud.

How wonderful is that?

Death Dreams

I had another dream where I died last night. It was like a movie and my character died in a car accident. What if it's a premonition? What if I die today? Am I ready to die? Can one even get ready to die? Don't you just... die? What kind of preparation must one make? Make peace with your god? Based on what tenet? Man's tenet? What if it's wrong? Wouldn't it piss off my "good" friends if I, the "evil" one, went to heaven and they went to hell? Hahaha! That would be funny.

Cukay will definitely take care of Kayla. So will David. So will Deena. I have no worries about her. She will be able to take care of herself. She will succeed on her own. Thankfully.

What about my dogs? Will they find good homes? Will they wait for me to care for them? Will they look for my love? Will they think I abandoned them? Will they know that their mommy passed away? Maybe I will become a ghost that will watch over them until they die.

Who will cry should I die today?

He Said... Now What To Say?

The AOL answered my question, "Do you love me?"

He said, "In transcendental ways, yes."

I'm gob-smacked. I never thought he would answer it. Hell, I had to look up "transcendental" to make sure there are no other Aristotelian philosophies that he might have had in mind that radically deviates from the common definition of the word.

Finally, I have a confirmation of my suspicion. I have clarity. I now know for certain that all is not for naught. He loves me.

Now what? Do I tell him I love him, too? Surely he knows I do. Do I need to answer? But there's no question! Wouldn't I be told by the presiding judge to stick to answering questions and not volunteer information? Do I make a short manifestation? Do I dare meet this confrontation that I initiated in the first place or do I just hide in silence?

I Googled how to say I love you back and came up with nothing salient. There is no step-by-step tutorial!

Gawdz!

Scorpio Nights 1

This is the AOL's undisputed favorite Filipino crime/soft porn movie.

The story is set in a poor community where families lived in rooms in a dilapidated building. It is about a peeping Tom who kept watching his downstairs neighbor's routine. The man, who was a security guard on graveyard shift, would come home at night humming, have dinner, wash his hands, brush his teeth and have sex with his wife as she slept. One night, peeping Tom accidentally bumped the couple's door open. He decided to grab the opportunity. He pretended to be the husband, hummed, moved the dishes around, poured water as if he's washing up and had sex with the wife. He kept doing it thinking she didn't know until they became lovers. Their shenanigans fired up her stack, so to speak, and became more aggressive with her husband. This gave him the clue that something was going on. So one night, he came home early and caught them in the act. He shot them and as she lay there dying he had sex with her until she died then shot himself.

I was shocked! It was unspeakably sordid!

The setting was dismally miserable. The characters were individually remarkable. The fervor of the young lover was rabidly realistic. The wife's frustration and compassion for her husband were intensely tangible. The husband's grief when he was suspicious of his wife was deeply touching. His stoical coldness when he caught and killed them, the final sexual act with his wife followed by his suicide was poignantly terrifying.

Truly a work of art.

Unforgettable... even for oblivious me.

Is It Playtime Yet?

The other day as I rounded the corner, I almost bumped into a vampy-looking girl in all black with Goth make-up and big hair standing in the middle of the hallway with her arms crossed. I practically jumped out of my skin! I thought it was my cousin sent by the "hot man" to fetch me so that he can give me a good whipping for not wreaking havoc on earth. Gawdz!

I've been such a good girl, I think my wings are turning grey. I've just been staying home a lot. Reading six books all at the same time. Watching movies that the AOL recommends I watch. He wants us to build common ground. I have to exert the effort because it is I who lacks the common interest in life in general while he is voracious for knowledge. My apathy horrifies him.

I'm getting tired of being a "good girl." I feel like I am transported back to the time when I was in primary school forced to stay indoors to work on my homework. I want to go out and play!

Hmmm... I wonder, if I throw the ball in the air, who will catch it?

The Sacrifice (continued)

Who am I fooling with deadlines where the AOL is concerned?

No one else but myself.

I am The Fool.

AOL's Fool.

I might as well wear motley.

The Sacrifice

The AOL kept asking me why I was sacrificing for him. Why am I just gritting my teeth when he's not available to see me? Why do I just smile when he asks me if I'm OK? Why am I not going my merry way like I used to in the first five years of our "thing"?

Why indeed?

"I runno" as Tala used to say... Oh, brother! Of course I know but I'll not say it to his face. Of course he knows but he wants to hear it. What a conundrum this is! I suppose this will be how it will be for the rest of our lives. Two people who are loath to show any vulnerability where the other is concerned. Two people who will keep at nonchalance to be safe. Two people doomed to be together yet far apart. How melodramatic we are and yet we both claim to absolutely detest drama. After more than four decades alive, we both are too afraid to take life by its horns.

I'm beginning to understand why he never got hitched. All he needs to live is his career. All his efforts are focused on work. The rest of his life will have to simply grit its teeth until he has time. As for me, well, I runno... I've tried and I've failed and I'll keep trying til the day I find the one who will love me til the day he dies. This time around, I think I should be extremely patient. I'm keeping my horns and my tail tucked in for as long as I possibly can to give this the best chance to succeed.

I'll give him until this weekend.

Unofficially Exclusively Yours

This sucks. Big time.

I never knew I could miss anyone so bad that I would hurt. I never thought anyone can be important enough to miss. It's driving me crazy. I guess this is because of the exclusive part of the situation. I don't mind the unofficial part because titles or labels don't really matter at my age. (After all, I can hardly be called a girlfriend.) But being exclusive means I don't get any entertainment from any other source. And that sucks BIG time! I have never gone exclusive.

So far away... so far away for far too long. What a marvel that he is busier than I am. What a marvel that I am now on the receiving end of being "forgotten" because of work. I totally understand being so busy to neglect someone but I am totally bewildered that it is happening to me.

Oh well, as the saying goes, "There's a first time for everything."

And yet another saying, "Whatever!"

The Plan - Failed

I've been like a b**** with a bug up her a** for the past few weeks. I've been giving the AOL h*** like he's really there. He finally snapped at me yesterday. I was SHOCKED! No one has ever snapped at me. No one! EVER! What the 'ell???

I was so pissed I almost went on a hunt for a stranger (or not) to have reckless, wild s** with and not inform my "guardians/trackers" about it. But it was too early. I met up with Cukay and demolished a bottle of a really nice Spanish wine instead. One bottle because it was too expensive and besides, I was sloshed after 2 glasses. Thankfully, I have a friend like her who says yes, let's go, without even waiting for me to say where.

I decided I will not speak to him until I finish reading this lovely book that my thoughtful daughter gave me. It's a Stephen King. I'm on page 31 of 1457 pages. Ok, that's an exaggeration. It's just a few pages over 1000 and weighs about 3lbs. I can only read about 10 pages a night because of the weight. That ought to take long enough for me to step back and regroup. Yes, that is the plan.

At 0632, my phone rang. It was the AOL.

Ring!

One ring and I answered. ONE! Not even two. What happened to the plan? Curses! Curses! Triple CURSES!

I cannot play with this guy. I gotta give him credit for patiently trying to keep things smooth between us, though. My kind of crazy can be too much for a lesser man.

My First Flat Gadget

I finally own one!

I have a Samsung tablet that I am only beginning to appreciate. I put my music, ebooks, chatting tools and games in it. Yes, it is added weight in my bag but immensely useful when I need to wait.

Speaking of which, I must say I hate waiting! I think it is so disrespectful, inconsiderate and uncivilized! What's worse is making me wait and then not show up! Now that is downright rude.

Never be late! That's one of the lessons my late father taught me. Possibly the only one.

But with my little device I can bear waiting just a little bit.

Paul and A Chick Flick

Paul, my movie buddy, and I went to the movies last night. It looked so funny. There he was, a big, muscular, macho American, trudging beside me to a watch the movie that I chose. He mumbled something about there being so many action movies and I had to choose a chick flick as we were entering the theater. It turned out to be quite entertaining though.

It was entirely his fault. For an American with a super fast car, he tends to be tardy. I got there 10 minutes too early and I managed to buy two pairs of shoes and choose the movie. He swore he will not be late next time so that he would have a say in what we'll watch. I have yet to see the day.

It's great to have a movie buddy. Relaxation at its maximum.

I love it!