No Peace Today

Today is not a peaceful day. Today, I am full of anxiety. I am inundated with fear. I am mighty scared.

All the usual activities that relax me failed. I gave 4 of my dogs their bath and brushed and blow-dried their hair. I did my toenails and fingernails and painted them a pretty shade of dark pink. I played my Mafia Wars. I watched TV. I listened to Andrea Bocelli. I even ate some french fries.

Nothing. Nothing could give me peace today. Tears kept rolling down my face.

I have a scenario in my head where the AOL spends the weekends courting a nice (not me), proper (definitely not me), young (duh) woman to be his wife while he strings me along on the side just in case it doesn't work out right and then one day, he will casually inform me he got married as if he was telling me he bought a new car. Already, my heart is broken.

Why do I even imagine these scenarios? Why am I so paranoid? It's not as if I don't know what kind of a person the AOL is. He's not devious that way. He's not a jerk. He's a good guy. I am the evil one. I am the jerk. This explains it, doesn't it? That scenario is something I can do and have actually done in the past. I have cheated and lied to the ones who loved me.

Only this time, I am truly, unequivocally, emotionally involved. This time, I can get kicked in the face by karma with the full force of all the past heartaches I caused. One time, big time, baby! I remember the pain in the faces of the exes whose names I cannot recall anymore but I remember Ford's face. I think he is the one I hurt the most and the one I deeply regret. I suspect that it is because of him that I have failed in all my relationships. My penalty for Ford.

So now, it's my turn. It feels like I'm playing Russian Roulette where there is only one empty chamber. I've stepped up to the plate, I got the muzzle against my head and I am going to pull the trigger.

Click! Click! Bang! Bang!