This Christmas is especially blue for me. I feel a loneliness that I wish I didn't feel.
As usual, it is heartache. (sigh) Why do my woes always stem from my love life? Year after year after year after year. It's never ending!!! Even I am tired of listening to myself!!! Blah, blah, blah, over and over again. Oh, I'm happy. Oh, I'm sad. Oh, I'm heartbroken. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Weeping, creeping Jessie, when will this ever END?!?
A long time ago, before husbands #1, #2 and first love, I preferred to have love affairs with married men because I was able to keep matters at arm's length. I was in control. I used to tell my friends who asked me why that I was safe with a married man because I knew the limits. It will never hurt.
And it was true... until now.
Maybe it's because I am older. Maybe because I am not as vivacious as I used to be. Maybe because I'm careless and carefree now. Besides, I was the one who demanded that we give maximum from my paramour and oh, how he makes me feel so loved and happy. It is magical! It is so good I cannot talk about it. I cannot describe it because I cannot find the words good enough to do it justice. He injects vibrancy to my life in a way that doesn't take my breath away but makes me celebrate each breath I take instead.
I miss him each day he is away from me. I long for him everyday. On rainy afternoons, I wish he were with me to hold me while I napped. I imagine nothing will be ordinary if he were with me... even the grocery. He's having quality family time now exactly as he should and I am pleased. But sometimes, a fleeting wish that he were mine would touch me for a nanosecond.
This eensy-weensy, teeny-weeny bit of pain will only be mine. I understand that and I accept it. It makes our time together much, much more special. It makes the moment we rush into each other's arms OMG-what-the-hell-is-this MIND-BLOWINGLY ELECTRIC!
This is the sweetest taboo.
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