I Am Back!

Here I am again, talking to my own hand just like before.

I seem to keep running out of people to talk to.  There's only one chatmate, Ruth, my beast friend forever, whom I can count on for entertaining conversations.  It really is important that the chat is two-way and so far, I can only jive with her.

There are too many tragedies to speak of since I last wrote.  I saw that it started when Bu left me and took the light out of my life. He was, after all, a favorite chatmate aside from other favorites. So much happiness taken from my life for nothing. 

I lost Florence. She made the picture on my cover here. 

I lost my best friend, David Prout. The fool just dropped dead. Damn. Lucky bastard.

I lost my dream job and my dream team.

All my dogs are gone. They all lived long lives. Cukay was the last to cross and she did so with a quick wave and a little pirouette over the rainbow. Gone in 3 seconds. 

I have lost many cats, one of whom was my little boy George. He loved me so much.

Many times I wonder what my purpose in life is. One broken-hearted day, I got so drunk and went to float in the ocean, still in the shallows, mind you. I looked up to the skies and cried to God and asked what am I here for? I have so much heartache. Why must I be made to suffer like this? In my drunken state, a sober voice spoke in my head... "All this is not about you but what you are here for."

So I got up, for I was in waist-deep waters, peed and marched to the shore muttering to myself "WTF?!? What the effin' 'ellcatshitabaloo is that?!?"

Marching orders. 

Live. 

Not necessary to love. 

Not necessary to laugh.

Hindi na...

One week later, hindi na. March 15, 2021, hindi na ako mahal ni Bu. "We are done." His words.

My heart has been breaking every minute ever since. Every minute. My soul screams in despair.

I said I will stop crying about it on July 1, And I did. I stopped crying with my eyes.

I breathe. 

I live. 

I interact. 

But I want to stop. 

I wish I did not exist.

I want to stop. 

 

Bakit Mahal ni Bu si Teri? Sabi nya...

I am sweet.

I am smart.

I am funny.

I am fun.

I am crazy.

I am so diverse.

I am mean.

I am kind.

I am sexy.

I make his happy life happier.

I make his black and white world colorful.

I am like sunshine and he is lucky to get his share.

My Big C(s)

I have C's in my life now.

First is Crying. My tear ducts seem to be full of tears and need to release pressure periodically.  I had a good cry last Monday and Tuesday because of Tommy.  Tommy was a friendly stray cat that stayed in Rockwell. He was pure white with amazingly golden eyes. He had injuries that looked like a demon, yes they are about, tortured him. I noticed he wasn't eating nor drinking so I brought him to the vet. Sadly, I was too late.  He couldn't be saved anymore as he had liver failure and was severely jaundiced. The wounds were not yellow due to Betadine... nope, no one was treating his wounds... his eyes were not amazingly golden... it was jaundice. He had to be euthanized. He looked at me, meowed and tried to hug me as hard as he could and I held him close. I told him he was a good boy as he drifted off to cross the rainbow bridge. Was he asking me to take him home and just let him live his last days with me or was he thanking me for the relief? My tears flowed freely because of Tommy. I wept continuously, even, I think, in my sleep. I know this C is temporary, for surely, if it kept on, it will be another C! CRAZY.

Second is Cocktails! I am so pleased I agreed to swap my treadmill with RJ's 2-door ref which was swapped with Kayla's personal ref which is now my personal ref which I filled with all kinds of colorful cocktails. Cruiser, Andy Player, Breezer, Mule, Tanduay Ice Zero, The Bar. My favorites are Mule and Tanduay Ice Zero. The rest are POISON.  I also have a variety of my favorite Asti's, and wines chilling in there. A Skyy(uck) vodka  and a half-liter of good ole Johnny Black. 

Third is Chips! I just love the fish skin in salted egg that my SIL brought me from SG and Mang Juan's vegetarian Chicharon, spicy vinegar flavor. I do remember I am trying to lose weight so these yummy junk are DAINTILY nibbled on and generously shared with my pets.

Fourth is Crochet! I am so pleased I picked up this hobby. It totally pushes out any negative feelings I might be having like sadness or anger.  It just occupies my mind as I have to pay attention to what I am doing.  It is so nice to create something pretty for myself or for friends.  I love the feedback I get especially when my daughter's friends gush over the stuff I make for her. Initially, this hobby was pricey as I just kept buying yarn until I had soooooo much! This year, I am not quite as maniacal in MINE-ing them anymore. Crocheting also comes with so much entertainment on social media. There are so many crochet groups on FB where people display their finished projects to ask for opinions, likes, patterns, tips, but very often, how much they should sell it for. Hilarious!  People rage at the low prices of crocheted items that are machine-made as if buyers are obligated to buy their work. These groups are so full of liars, too! Someone would post something ugly and ask if it looked OK. Instead of being truthful and say "Yuck!" "Ugly!" they would LIE and say "Oooh, how nice!" The result is conceited "artists" offended that their "talents" are belittled by customers who haggle with them.

Fifth is Comedy!  I love watching stand-up comedy on Netflix. Kevin Hart, Jo Koy, Dr. Ken,  Dave Chappelle, Iliza Shlesinger and my current favorite, TREVOR NOAH! I really love Trevor Noah. He is South African but speaks English so well! He has no bad speech habits like using LIKE every other word. He doesn't throw in expletives to make his jokes funny. He enunciates well, his vocabulary is rich and simply exhibits a fluency that can only be admired by native English-speakers. 

If Igor were sweet as all the other cats out there seem to be, there would have been a Sixth C - CATS!

If I were writing this 3 years ago, there would have been a Seventh C - CIGGIES! But wahoo! I have not smoked a cigarette for THREE years!  I never thought I would kick that habit. I think I have confessed it here sometime ago that smoking is the bane of me. How disgusted was I that I would bear standing under the sun in an obscure corner of the compound that was the designated smoking area to get my nicotine fix. UGH! We were like animals! I attempted to quit it a couple of times but succumbed and surrendered that I cannot beat it. Not for myself. Not for my daughter. Not for God and country. Nicotine was in my veins. But look at me now! A bit chubby, sure, but no more ciggies!

These are my big C's these days. They are what my life is about. 

Lazarus

I emerge from the abyss of oblivion.

I emerge from the cocoon of protection.

I emerge from the darkness and I am filled with sadness.

The pain in my heart, without the pericardium, overflows to my eyes.

It does not ebb.

Even as I laugh...
Even as I smile...
Even as I try to drown it with Tanduay...
Even when I am ensconced in someone's embrace...

It is too soon... too soon to feel... too soon to come back from the dead.

"Nothing will make the pain go away. You just have to live with it.  Everyday, it will be the first thing you will think of. Until one day... it will be the second thing." - Reddington

All Good Things Never Last

Some realizations hit slow.

Some realizations hit hard.

Some realizations hit fatal.

I realized that the love of my life has left me. I search my mind for a reason that I can understand. I search my heart for an emotion that I can bear. I search my soul for a void that I can fill. I search but there is nothing.

I am dead.

I close my eyes so I can be sad.  I close my eyes so I can be mad. I close my eyes so I can cry.  But all the love we shared envelop me. The happiness that we shared lift me above the pain. I am cocooned in beautiful memories that will carry me through the rest of my life. I remember how his face lit up when his eyes find me in the crowd. I remember how radiantly he returned the tiniest of my smiles. I remember the twinkle in his eyes when he gazed into mine. I remember the laughter and the tears. I remember him. I know that he will love me forever as I him but it simply had to end.

Ooooh, I want to pray to God to give him back to me. I want to ask the gods to help me find the way to make him come back to me. I want to have him back in my arms. Back to me... please, please... back to me, I beg. But I won't.

The pain is so great that I must surrender.

I am dead.

An Old Letter to Kayla

Dear Kayla,

Many times, I watched you as you sleep wishing you could still be my little baby… but your legs are too long now… your body, too lean.  I fret about these stormy teenage years that you’re going through but I assure myself that you’re a good girl so there is no need to fret.  I tried to raise you to be strong and smart and level-headed and I believe you are.  You make me proud because you are what you are but at the same time, frustrated, because you are not all that you can be.  You are so much like me… and I fret a bit more.  Children should be the improvement of their parents so I pray that you will be the best that you can be and a much, much better person than me.

I always tell you that you are God’s greatest gift to me… my main reason to be alive… the love of my life.  This is true.  Do you remember the lullaby that I used to sing to you? 

“Sleep my little baby, Mama is here…

Sleep and dream of angels… I’ll always be near.

I love you, my little princess… Through all of the years…

I love you, my little Kayla, my daughter, my dear…”

This is also true… forever.

17/10/2008

Kayla's Poems

Kayla wrote the following poems when she was still a little girl...

Precious Water

The faucet drips all day and night

Just have it fixed or close it tight!
A flood of water descends the mounts
But every precious drop still counts.

The water flows, you brush your teeth
The water flows, you wash your feet
Just think of all the water lost
To close the tap, what does it cost?

The water that you take to school
The water that is clean and cool
You sip a bit, the rest you ditch,
Such waste should never be one’s pitch!

Parents

They say they will not get it

They say that they won’t understand

They say they would put a stop to it

They say they won’t give a hand.

Your sins they say they won’t forgive

Most definite is they won’t forget

Your life will not be fun to live

And swear you’ll always have regret.

I wonder why mine are so great

While theirs are clearly so horrific?

My parents, I know I’ll never trade

For no one can be as terrific! 

I Am Done

I am done, yes.

I no longer have joie de vivre.

I no longer want to sparkle.

I no longer want to "teri-rize".

I can no longer see anything to look forward to.

I look at myself in the mirror and I see dead eyes.

I am heart-dead.

I am done... yes.