Love All Over Again

Yeah, why not?

There's no point in holding back.  What for?  For the right one?  For the right time?  How can one be sure what this one is?  There's no way.  So why not go all in all the time just in case this is THE ONE, right?

No fears.  No holds barred.

Someday, somehow, the one who deserves me will find me.  I'm going to find the one I deserve.  Enough of the pining!  I'll smile and stop worrying. When I get hurt, I'll let the tears flow then smile again.  For what is life without some pain?  It will be a safe life.  It will be a life not lived.  A boring life.  A dead life.

Today, I decided to live and love all over again.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Again.

And again.

One step forward, touch, hop, two steps back.  Single, single, double and hop! Forward, center, back!

This sounds so much like the Zumba steps that I'm trying to learn.  This is how we are, the AOL and I.  So much challenge for poorly coordinated individuals like myself.  I need to pay it full attention or else I'll get lost. Hell, I get lost even when I pay full attention!  Major, major challenge!

I want to give up on Zumba.

I want to give up on the AOL.

Maybe I should.

There are others out there.

Simpler and easier to live with.

Like kickboxing.

My 8th Dog

Chinese Rooster and Dog can work out but they need to overcome some difficulties. Dog has more energy and isn't much of a perfectionist like Rooster. Rooster will guard their finances carefully only to have Dog give money away. This can be a very big issue. If they can reach a compromise they can both live with, they may be happy. Dog can help Rooster learn to accept and receive affection. Rooster can give Dog someone they can truly trust. Their relationship won't be perfect, but they can have a pleasant life.

In business, these two will be successful. They both work hard to achieve their goals. Their complementary skills work well in a business atmosphere. Rooster is practical and clever. Dog is trustworthy and holds the business to high standards. They will be a terrific team.

When this pairing consists of a Dog man and a Rooster woman, after a brief shining time of newness, they will begin to clash. She will learn she isn't the most important thing in his life, which is a great blow. He expects her to make his life comfortable and reassure him to overcome his innate insecurities. She isn't that kind of person, however. She may become aggressive, which will tend to depress him.

Source: www.alwaysastrology.com

Aha! The line in bold is so true! It is a GREAT, BIG BLOW! I want to stomp my talons, crow and beat my chest. Being a rooster, I like to preen and be pretty.  I expect people to look at me when I enter a place.  I like taking care of my looks and strutting my stuff.  I like being a star.  Why can't my 8th dog give me this?

According to Chinese Astrology, the Rabbit and the Dog are the two signs that are most incompatible with the Rooster. 

The Summer Wind...

... came blowing in from across the sea.

The sun is so bright it hurts my eyes and scorches my skin.  The wind is so warm that it feels like I'm in a convection oven. It is summer!

When I was a child (and I'm sure each and every child), I looked forward to the summer with so much eagerness.  It was play time! No schoolwork!  I could play all day!  Well, except for the mandatory couple of hours of afternoon nap.  My father used to check us in our beds and blow on our eyes to make sure we were really asleep.  Wasn't that silly?  I must do this when Kayla is asleep.  I want to know how she will react.  Will her eyes "blink" or will they be unaffected?  Will she wake up?  I must make sure I spray her with some saliva when I do it!  LOL!

Now that I am older and no longer entitled to carefree play time, summer is the time to put on extra sun block.  How annoying it is to have skin that gets burned even from the reflection of the afternoon sunlight.  Sun block on my face every day for the rest of my life and all over during summer. I wish they can make sun block in pill form so that I can just pop one everyday.  That would be much, much more convenient.  Imagine, five minutes of my day is spent waiting for the sun block to be absorbed by my skin.  Everyday. That is 1.27 days of waiting every year.

It is my destiny to wait for hours or days and even years on end for something or someone to happen.

Patience, patience, my dear.  Everything will happen at the right time and place.

I can't wait (oh, but I must!) to go to the beach in a couple of weeks.  Sun, sand, sea, wind, reggae and tequila!!!  Yeah, baby!!!

Oh, don't forget the gobs and gobs of sun block.

All Dogs Go To Heaven

"The dog is the only creature on earth who loves you more than he loves himself."

Without my dogs, I am dead.

No Peace Today

Today is not a peaceful day. Today, I am full of anxiety. I am inundated with fear. I am mighty scared.

All the usual activities that relax me failed. I gave 4 of my dogs their bath and brushed and blow-dried their hair. I did my toenails and fingernails and painted them a pretty shade of dark pink. I played my Mafia Wars. I watched TV. I listened to Andrea Bocelli. I even ate some french fries.

Nothing. Nothing could give me peace today. Tears kept rolling down my face.

I have a scenario in my head where the AOL spends the weekends courting a nice (not me), proper (definitely not me), young (duh) woman to be his wife while he strings me along on the side just in case it doesn't work out right and then one day, he will casually inform me he got married as if he was telling me he bought a new car. Already, my heart is broken.

Why do I even imagine these scenarios? Why am I so paranoid? It's not as if I don't know what kind of a person the AOL is. He's not devious that way. He's not a jerk. He's a good guy. I am the evil one. I am the jerk. This explains it, doesn't it? That scenario is something I can do and have actually done in the past. I have cheated and lied to the ones who loved me.

Only this time, I am truly, unequivocally, emotionally involved. This time, I can get kicked in the face by karma with the full force of all the past heartaches I caused. One time, big time, baby! I remember the pain in the faces of the exes whose names I cannot recall anymore but I remember Ford's face. I think he is the one I hurt the most and the one I deeply regret. I suspect that it is because of him that I have failed in all my relationships. My penalty for Ford.

So now, it's my turn. It feels like I'm playing Russian Roulette where there is only one empty chamber. I've stepped up to the plate, I got the muzzle against my head and I am going to pull the trigger.

Click! Click! Bang! Bang!

Peace For Mankind

I feel peaceful. I'm amazed.

I don't think I have ever felt like this before. There was always something bugging me. It's almost as if I sprayed on a strong insect repellent that drove off them bugs. They're not even up my a**!

It must be because I've been listening to Andrea Bocelli a lot. That man has quite a voice. It's absolutely relaxing. Goodbye earth!

So here I am, with not a care in the world, wondering what to fret about. Who should I pester and about what? I'm at a total loss. Maybe I should pester David Prout. Nah. He's used to me. I can't penetrate his English cool. Maybe I should pester the AOL. Nah. He's been a sweet bun. Maybe I should pester Kayla! Aha! I'll drag her to the grocery! She'll be mighty pissed. LOL!

My dogs are all asleep. They must have had a rough night. It's hot as hell but the sun is so bright I can't help but love it! I'll just count on my super-strength anti-perspirant to hold up.

Tralala! Tralala!

What's Happening?

Why, nothing at all!

Nothing remarkable is happening.

Life is passing by with no hitches.

Smooth as silk.

Everything is A-Ok.

I am happy as a pig in mud.

How wonderful is that?

Death Dreams

I had another dream where I died last night. It was like a movie and my character died in a car accident. What if it's a premonition? What if I die today? Am I ready to die? Can one even get ready to die? Don't you just... die? What kind of preparation must one make? Make peace with your god? Based on what tenet? Man's tenet? What if it's wrong? Wouldn't it piss off my "good" friends if I, the "evil" one, went to heaven and they went to hell? Hahaha! That would be funny.

Cukay will definitely take care of Kayla. So will David. So will Deena. I have no worries about her. She will be able to take care of herself. She will succeed on her own. Thankfully.

What about my dogs? Will they find good homes? Will they wait for me to care for them? Will they look for my love? Will they think I abandoned them? Will they know that their mommy passed away? Maybe I will become a ghost that will watch over them until they die.

Who will cry should I die today?

He Said... Now What To Say?

The AOL answered my question, "Do you love me?"

He said, "In transcendental ways, yes."

I'm gob-smacked. I never thought he would answer it. Hell, I had to look up "transcendental" to make sure there are no other Aristotelian philosophies that he might have had in mind that radically deviates from the common definition of the word.

Finally, I have a confirmation of my suspicion. I have clarity. I now know for certain that all is not for naught. He loves me.

Now what? Do I tell him I love him, too? Surely he knows I do. Do I need to answer? But there's no question! Wouldn't I be told by the presiding judge to stick to answering questions and not volunteer information? Do I make a short manifestation? Do I dare meet this confrontation that I initiated in the first place or do I just hide in silence?

I Googled how to say I love you back and came up with nothing salient. There is no step-by-step tutorial!

Gawdz!