Teri is Heartbroken

Tomorrow, Pinkay's new owner is coming to take her. She will no longer be my unica hija. She will no longer be among the little ones who rush to the door to greet me when I come home. She will no longer jockey for position among her brothers when they eat. She will no longer be the dainty little one whom I bathe every Saturday. She will be someone else's baby.

I brought her to my room for the first time tonight. I let her lie down on my pillow for the first and last time. She put her head down on my pillow as if she knew. And when I held her she nestled against me. She knows it's her last night with her mama. She knows the tears in my eyes are because I am sorrowful that she will be gone.

My heart is broken. I'm going to lose one of my puppies. One of my beloved babies.

The young boy who called all day, excited with the prospect of having a pet, sounds courteous. I just hope he will love her as much as I do. I hope he would text me how she is doing every now and then... especially if she gets sick. I hope he will feed her and make sure she has fresh water. I hope he will keep her clean and brush her hair everyday. I hope Pinkay will be happy in her new home and forget about me.

My baby girl, Pinkay...

Rambling in a Blog

When I am more idle than usual, a spark of inspiration to do something worthwhile engulfs me. A small spark. Not enough to become a flame yet.

I ramble about nonsense in this blog so maybe I should actually write a nonsense book that would appeal to readers of nonsense. Do these people actually exist? Would there be anyone out there who would buy a book about nonsense? Thoughts of a woman who hardly thinks nor reads therefore an authority on nothing. I wonder what the title of the book would be? Nothing for Nothing sounds catchy. Thoughts for Non-Thinkers sounds a bit confrontational. Truth Be Told sounds too misleading. It kinda excites me and I wonder if it would ever come to pass.

Imagine it... Me! A bestselling author! Interviewed on TV, featured in papers, invited to grace events. The fame! The fortune! The power! Mwahahahaha! (please, that laugh should be done a la Max Alvarado)

I'll get ready to rrraaaammmbbblllee!!!

Perceptions: Yak and Yada

I've proven time and again that one's perception of another prevails in judgment.

People perceive me as the nasty, evil one so if I say "how nice" they look for a nasty, evil angle to it while if someone else who is perceived nice says "how nice" they think it IS nice.

Oh! What fun! It's quite entertaining to play with people's minds. Take, for example, how I talked about making yak yak yak and my friend, about making yada yada yada. They thought I was nasty. I copied and pasted the following from Encarta:

yak [ yak ] or yack [ yak ]

intransitive verb (past and past participle yakked, present participle yak·king, 3rd person present singular yaks) (past and past participle yacked, present participle yack·ing, 3rd person present singular yacks)

Definition:

chatter continuously: to talk continuously, usually about unimportant matters

noun (plural yaks) (plural yacks)

Definition:

continuous chatter: continuous talking, usually about unimportant matters, or an instance of this

yad·da yad·da yad·da [ ydə ydə ydə ] or ya·da ya·da ya·da [ ydə ydə ydə ]

noun

Definition:

vacuous chatter: boring trite superficial unending talk just a lot of yadda yadda yadda on the talk shows tonight

interjection

Definition:

used as filler or indicator: used in speaking as a filler for unstated material or to indicate boredom or distaste for things others are saying or have said We chewed it over forever ... yadda yadda yadda, nothing important.

Almost the same definition. Yada has more negative feelings but since perception is powerful, my yak was bad while her yada was ok. Of course there can simply be lots of really idiotic people out there.

Did I say play with people's minds? How? I'll just laugh at idiocies.

Social Boundaries

Factoid: there are friendly people and there are unfriendly ones.

Obviously, since I talk to my own hand, I am the latter one and I prefer to choose whom to befriend. I am definitely not one that you can just chat up and reminisce with.

I know that it's great to have many friends but there are just some boundaries that cannot be crossed. If you were a dork in grade school or high school, I will still see you as a dork in adulthood in spite of all the talk on how we should get over the embarrassments of adolescence. To me, you are branded for life no matter how rich or successful you become.

My friends think I'm nasty when I say this but how can I bring myself to be friends with someone I used to laugh at? All I would have are memories of exactly that - what I used to laugh at! Can you imagine it? I would say, "Oh, hi! Yes, of course, I remember you!" And what do I remember? An unkempt girl with eye boogers and drool that reminded me of Igor. I'll not be able to make new friends from old acquaintances that I used to make fun of. I'm too set in my ways... too snobbish... too evil?

I may not have many friends but I am not out to make new ones from the underdogs of my past. I'm not that lonely. I'd rather talk to my own hand, excuse me.

Expected Disappointment

A few days ago, Kayla asked if she and her cousins can go to Enchanted Kingdom today. I said ok but ask her Dad, too. He said ok, of course.

I had a pretty busy day with friends yesterday. I gave my 6 dogs their bath in the morning then around noon, I headed for MOA for the 4-Pink meeting. We met about the 2010 homecoming preparation that is riddled with intrigues that I will have to create a separate blog for it. I didn't think the stories about other homecoming preparations were true until now that it's our turn. Unbelievable. Anyway, back to my story... Ruth and I went for our manicure-pedicure at the Menage after the meeting then we went to our early dinner get-together with our highschool barkada. It was Tessa's last night in Manila, afterall. So to make the story short, my weekend routine was thrown off.

This morning, while Kayla was waiting for her yaya to set the table for her brunch, I suggested that they go to EK on Tuesday instead since I had to catch up on the chores that I failed to do yesterday. Her face showed expected disappointment! I was shocked! It got me thinking... Have I made a habit of saying yes then changing plans at the last minute? My poor, unfortunate daughter. I'll always remember the expected disappointment in her face.

Well, they're back from EK and are happily having a late dinner now. They sound like they had loads of fun. That's good because since I didn't do the grocery this weekend, they'll not have anything to eat tomorrow. LOL

Buying Quiet Time

Since the day I got this little machine, I hardly ever put it down. I turn it on when I wake up in the morning and turn it off only when I go to bed at night.

Peace be in the my house. It's so easy to carry it around the house so I do. Except for the short time I spend with my dogs. They are my babies. I love how the puppies roll and stumble over themselves when they rush to greet me. I wonder if it's because their Mum and Dad do it or if they know their Mommy is home. ;p

My husband actually asked me to turn the machine off this morning. He kinda complained that it was all I interact with! Duh? Doesn't he see me with the dogs??? In the first couple of weeks that I had this he kept telling Kayla he was pleased with the effect. I was pacified. But now I think he misses me. He misses our long chats and joking around. He got more than he bargained for, that's for sure. More of my mental absence.

He's in the computer room now... uploading his Muay Thai video.

Cabs In Traffic

There was a big traffic jam on the side streets of the CBD this morning and the cabs weaved quite a bit in their desire to get out of it. Cab drivers tell me that a traffic jam is their biggest problem because that's when their time and gas are wasted. They would rather go far than get stuck and this is why they sometimes decline taking a passenger to crowded areas even if this is against the law.

One cab backed up all the way to the next street to avoid getting stuck in the Leviste area. My brother remarked that that can damage the meter because it is calibrated for forward movement.

If a cab went on reverse, it will not register in the meter. Next time I take a cab I'll request to be taken to my destination on reverse.

Puppy Video

7th Muay Thai Session

Jon and I had our 7th Muay Thai session last night.

Jon is progressing so well. His joints are looser and his stamina is improving. He is moving more easily now than when he first started. I even saw him jog for a few minutes last night! Our trainer, Richard "the Flash", remarked that Jon is starting to become more flexible. I am pleased. He is not smoking as much as he used to as well. He told me he now tries to have 30-minute intervals between sticks. That's very good considering he's a chain-smoker! I am even more pleased.

Brian, my kicking trainer, found that my legs are south-oriented. How is that called? I am south-legged? So I am right handed but left-footed. I punch with my right and kick with my left. My kicks are becoming stronger and make a soft but solid boom upon contact. Woohoo! Soon, they will go BOOM!

Boom! My shins are colorful... shades of purple, yellow, black! They are swollen, too. Woohooo!

Smoking

I think I'll really try to quit smoking. My daughter has been nagging me to quit ever since she started talking so maybe I'll give it serious effort.

I tried to quit 4 years ago by slowly cutting down and succeeded for a couple of months. Then Jon came into my life. He smokes about 3 packs a day. So like a true-blue addict, I went back to smoking.

Tessa hates smoking and has also been trying to convince me to quit. She sends me all kinds of stuff to help me quit on top of the verbal encouragement. I still have the nicorettes in my bag. My dad banned chewing gum when we were kids so I grew up without ever munching them so the nicorettes stressed my jaws.

Wak is quitting smoking and is using a patch. She's been using it for a few days now and she hasn't had any craving. Maybe I'll try that.

Smoking is the toughest to break amongst all addictions. I've quit drugs and alcohol but the smoking remains. It's not just the craving but it's the physical motions that I look for. It gives my hands something to do. I've been smoking since I was 16 (curse that day)... I even smoked when I was pregnant and my 2 OB-Gyne's fainted each time they checked on me. Oh, the sermons on the effects of smoking on the baby were endless. Luckily, Kayla turned out healthy. I joke my friends that that is the effect of my smoking. She really was an angelic baby. Maybe God briefed her on her Mum before sending her?

I know many people who have quit smoking and started to get allergies or asthma or what-have-you... I worry that it will happen to me, too, but I guess this is just procrastination. A lame excuse to avoid the reality that it is necessary.

24 years of smoking. That's a quarter of a century. More than a generation. A third of a life expectancy. More than half of my life.

One thing I do know, when quitting an addiction, it has to come from your heart. You have to want it 100% or you will fail. You do it for YOURSELF alone. The benefits to the people around you are fringe benefits and can not be the primary reason.

Can I do it? Do I want to do it? I must.

Concerned Friends

It's funny how people react or comment about an FB status.

They over-react constantly. Concerned when the status message seems sad or approving when it is happy. As if they are privy to that person's life.

It strikes me as pretentious... as if they want to know if something is wrong and is actually hoping something is wrong. Why would anything really important be announced on an FB status, right? Why would a big change in life be announced there for everyone to see? Especially if the change is negative.

I automatically assume everything is fine with everyone unless they tell me directly that it is otherwise. I need not wait for a friend to say she is happy because I hope she is happy and assume this is true.

I hope people continue being concerned though. I love tripping on them.

Music is in My Heart

I long to play the piano again.

The last time I played a piece was about 20 or so years ago. I no longer know how to read notes. They are alien to me.

I remember I hated learning how to play it especially since I played classical music. It was not cool like a guitar that people can sing along to. My father insisted that playing a musical instrument was part of a lady's education. I hated my piano teacher that had a peculiar smell about her. She smelled as if she had her period and her napkin needed to be changed. I wonder if she's still alive...

I entertained myself by imagining cartoons when I played. Tanananan! And a squirrel popped out of a hole in the ground. Tanananan! Another squirrel. Tanananan! Yet another! Tannananantananan! They ran around picking up acorns and nuts. Up and down; round and round.

It was not until I was more mature when I appreciated playing it. I played powerful melancholic pieces that called for softness, emphasis and drama. It helped express my anger and frustrations as a youth.

And then I stopped.

I still have my piano but it badly needs repair.

I long to play the piano again.

Some of My Favorite Classic Poems

My father had a tome of poems that I used to read a lot. It was ancient with fragile pages that were yellowed by the years.

I lost it many years ago. When I remember it my heart becomes heavy with sadness and regret.

It was a treasure. My treasure.

To Anthea, Who May Command Him Anything

by Robert Herrick
(1591-1674)

---

Bid me to live, and I will live
Thy Protestant to be;
Or bid me love, and I will give
A loving heart to thee.

A heart as soft, a heart as kind,
A heart as sound and free
As in the whole world thou canst find,
That heart I'll give to thee.

Bid that heart stay, and it will stay
To honour thy decree;
Or bid it languish quite away,
And't shall do so for thee.

Bid me to weep, and I will weep,
While I have eyes to see;
And having none, yet I will keep
A heart to weep for thee.

Bid me despair, and I'll despair,
Under that cypress tree;
Or bid me die, and I will dare
E'en death, to die for thee.

--Thou art my life, my love, my heart,
The very eyes of me;
And hast command of every part,
To live and die for thee.

When I am Dead, My Dearest

by Christina Georgina Rossetti
(1830-1894)

---

When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me;
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree:
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet;
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on, as if in pain:
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget.

Sharks In The Philippines

Last March, possibly the youngest whale shark was rescued in the Philippines.

In April, a rare megamouth shark, the 41st ever caught/seen since its discovery, was slaughtered and eaten in the Philippines.

On the one hand, we save while on the other, we butcher.

The slaughter was splattered all over the newspapers and the internet. It was so distressing and totally embarrassing. Sharks of all kinds are protected all over the world and we know it! It even provides us with livelihood since they are a tourist attraction. Whale sharks frequent the Philippine waters almost half of the year and people come from all over the world to swim with these magnificent animals.

How can you stomach (the pun is intended) the thought that you ate the 41st megamouth ever discovered? EVER!!!

Holy Week Traditions

It is Good Friday today.

It is absolutely amazing how people in the heart of such a city as Makati practice tradition. I have been hearing the lilting tone of the pabasa since yesterday. When I first heard the wail-like incantation, I thought there was domestic violence in the neighbor's house. Typical of a chismosa, I rushed to the veranda to see what was going on. How disappointing to find that it was a pabasa.

I grew up in the suburbs and I never heard it done there until I moved to the big city and surprises of surprises, tradition lives.

I haven't seen a cross so I don't think they'll nail anyone to one today.

The Bucket List

Starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. It's about two guys with only a few months to live who decided they should go fulfill their dreams.

I watched it for the nth time early this morning. Thanks to my dogs who woke me up when they stomped all over me trying to find space in our bed.

I love this movie. Maybe because Morgan Freeman's voice is so soothing. Maybe because they're great actors. Mostly because I love the concept of a bucket list. I want to make one of my own.

What should my bucket list contain? I can't even start. Some frivolous things? Something significant to the world even? Gosh, what could I possibly manage to do?

When I was younger, I always thought I would die in a horrible car accident. Dead on the spot. My young, beautiful body mangled beyond recognition. Well, I'm still alive and my body is no longer young nor beautiful so I began to think I'd die a slow, painful death. I'll die of some incurable disease that would give me immense pain as an orientation to the eternal damnation that I'm headed for. Ah, life.

Part of the movie is Morgan Freeman speaking of a survey on how 96% of the population would prefer not to know when they would die. I suppose most of us don't want to think about it let alone know when because it is too horrid to leave our children and loved ones behind. I think I'd rather be dead ahead of them because if they die ahead, what will I be here for?

So during our lives we blindly prepare for something that no one can prepare for. Death.

Comforting Grief

A couple of my friends lost their grandmas this past week.

They both loved their lolas dearly and I know they are deeply sorrowful and I am totally helpless.

How can one offer comfort during this time? All I can say is at least they are now at peace... they are no longer in pain... they are now resting... my prayers for you and your family. All these "comforting" words sound lame. They are just noise because truly, there is no easing the pain of losing someone you love. There is nothing I can say that will make it better. Nothing.

When my father died more than 10 years ago, I got none. Maybe because people knew it was not a loss to me and that there was no grief in my heart? They surely saw there were no tears in my eyes. No one in my immediate family has died since then. At least no one significant to me. When it happens, what will people say to me to comfort me in my grief?

They will say the same lines. Noisy nothings.

I hope my friends will be there and I can take comfort from their silence.

Vanity

This is vanity.




Kayla galore... vanity is a sin... she has a folder called me, myself and I.

Vainglory.

How vain is glory.

How glorious is vain.


It's just me, myself and I.




And I pull my hair in vain.

First Puppy Sold

Pinkay has been sold.

I am devastated.

And She Lied...

I often write about my friends, right? Heck, I just wrote one a couple of hours ago. Well, there are friends and then there are friends...

I have one who is such an angel. An angel in disguise, that is. She projects sweetness and innocence and kindness and thoughtfulness and being caring. All in all, she projects the white. But behind it all is an evil, evil side. I have seen her lie through her teeth without batting a single eyelash then conclude it by making the sign of the cross.

I project the black. But I think I'll have to exert extra effort to beat this one. When we get to the place where there is a lot of beer, I don't want to be a low-ranking minor devil while she is a high-ranking boss one who can order me around.

Now, that will surely be a living hell.

Walk Like You Talk

Last night, I mulled on life in general while waiting for my turn on my numerous Lexulous games. I passed time looking at my friends on FB.

What a mix! I have all kinds of friends. There are crazy ones, quiet ones, cool ones, serious ones, kikay ones, weird ones, soci ones... So many kinds! I wonder if they will get along if I hold a 40th birthday party?

I also realized that I change depending on who I am with. Not change entirely but I kinda change my walk and my talk. I become crazier when I'm with the crazy ones... I change how I eat and sit when I'm with the soci ones... I become more interested in books or movies or business when I'm with the serious or quiet ones... I'm gentle when I'm with my China doll friend, Tessa... I'm mean when I'm with my voodoo doll friend, Ruth... and so on. I do have a "core" group of friends that I don't need to adjust to. They are the weird ones. LOL.

It's interesting how I adapt and still maintain my intrinsic qualities. Is that being plastik? Does that mean I have to change in order to have friends? Or do they love me the way I am? What am I? Who knows what I really am?

That's a lot of nonsense talk. It's like imagining all sorts of stuff while looking at a blank piece of material not to create but simply to complicate matters. My friends adapt to me, too. They have to or else they will not be able to stand my rotten sense of humor and my sarcasm and my general devil-may-care attitude.

The important thing is we're all comfortable in our skin and in each other regardless of who and what we are.

Letting Go

My puppies got their first inoculation today. They are 6 weeks old and according to the vet, very healthy.

I got Cukay when she was 6 weeks old.

That means I can start selling them now. Florence even took their pictures for the ad.

When I hold them in my arms and they look at me with their puppy eyes, I feel I love them. They're my little babies.

It's going to be tough to let them go.

How CAN I let them go?

In Heaven There is No Beer

That's why we drink it here...

I wonder if there are 3 places to be? Heaven, where there is no beer; Earth, where there is beer; Hell, where it's so hot there should be beer.

My special friends and I are probably going there someday. All this gossiping and making fun of people is a confirmed first-class-ticketed, forever-valid, non-stop, one-way group booking to eternal damnation.

NOW Pictures

These pictures are my NOW pictures. Taken on April Fool's Day 2009.

I'm pretty big at 140lbs. Let's see in a couple of months.