My Big C(s)

I have C's in my life now.

First is Crying. My tear ducts seem to be full of tears and need to release pressure periodically.  I had a good cry last Monday and Tuesday because of Tommy.  Tommy was a friendly stray cat that stayed in Rockwell. He was pure white with amazingly golden eyes. He had injuries that looked like a demon, yes they are about, tortured him. I noticed he wasn't eating nor drinking so I brought him to the vet. Sadly, I was too late.  He couldn't be saved anymore as he had liver failure and was severely jaundiced. The wounds were not yellow due to Betadine... nope, no one was treating his wounds... his eyes were not amazingly golden... it was jaundice. He had to be euthanized. He looked at me, meowed and tried to hug me as hard as he could and I held him close. I told him he was a good boy as he drifted off to cross the rainbow bridge. Was he asking me to take him home and just let him live his last days with me or was he thanking me for the relief? My tears flowed freely because of Tommy. I wept continuously, even, I think, in my sleep. I know this C is temporary, for surely, if it kept on, it will be another C! CRAZY.

Second is Cocktails! I am so pleased I agreed to swap my treadmill with RJ's 2-door ref which was swapped with Kayla's personal ref which is now my personal ref which I filled with all kinds of colorful cocktails. Cruiser, Andy Player, Breezer, Mule, Tanduay Ice Zero, The Bar. My favorites are Mule and Tanduay Ice Zero. The rest are POISON.  I also have a variety of my favorite Asti's, and wines chilling in there. A Skyy(uck) vodka  and a half-liter of good ole Johnny Black. 

Third is Chips! I just love the fish skin in salted egg that my SIL brought me from SG and Mang Juan's vegetarian Chicharon, spicy vinegar flavor. I do remember I am trying to lose weight so these yummy junk are DAINTILY nibbled on and generously shared with my pets.

Fourth is Crochet! I am so pleased I picked up this hobby. It totally pushes out any negative feelings I might be having like sadness or anger.  It just occupies my mind as I have to pay attention to what I am doing.  It is so nice to create something pretty for myself or for friends.  I love the feedback I get especially when my daughter's friends gush over the stuff I make for her. Initially, this hobby was pricey as I just kept buying yarn until I had soooooo much! This year, I am not quite as maniacal in MINE-ing them anymore. Crocheting also comes with so much entertainment on social media. There are so many crochet groups on FB where people display their finished projects to ask for opinions, likes, patterns, tips, but very often, how much they should sell it for. Hilarious!  People rage at the low prices of crocheted items that are machine-made as if buyers are obligated to buy their work. These groups are so full of liars, too! Someone would post something ugly and ask if it looked OK. Instead of being truthful and say "Yuck!" "Ugly!" they would LIE and say "Oooh, how nice!" The result is conceited "artists" offended that their "talents" are belittled by customers who haggle with them.

Fifth is Comedy!  I love watching stand-up comedy on Netflix. Kevin Hart, Jo Koy, Dr. Ken,  Dave Chappelle, Iliza Shlesinger and my current favorite, TREVOR NOAH! I really love Trevor Noah. He is South African but speaks English so well! He has no bad speech habits like using LIKE every other word. He doesn't throw in expletives to make his jokes funny. He enunciates well, his vocabulary is rich and simply exhibits a fluency that can only be admired by native English-speakers. 

If Igor were sweet as all the other cats out there seem to be, there would have been a Sixth C - CATS!

If I were writing this 3 years ago, there would have been a Seventh C - CIGGIES! But wahoo! I have not smoked a cigarette for THREE years!  I never thought I would kick that habit. I think I have confessed it here sometime ago that smoking is the bane of me. How disgusted was I that I would bear standing under the sun in an obscure corner of the compound that was the designated smoking area to get my nicotine fix. UGH! We were like animals! I attempted to quit it a couple of times but succumbed and surrendered that I cannot beat it. Not for myself. Not for my daughter. Not for God and country. Nicotine was in my veins. But look at me now! A bit chubby, sure, but no more ciggies!

These are my big C's these days. They are what my life is about. 

Lazarus

I emerge from the abyss of oblivion.

I emerge from the cocoon of protection.

I emerge from the darkness and I am filled with sadness.

The pain in my heart, without the pericardium, overflows to my eyes.

It does not ebb.

Even as I laugh...
Even as I smile...
Even as I try to drown it with Tanduay...
Even when I am ensconced in someone's embrace...

It is too soon... too soon to feel... too soon to come back from the dead.

"Nothing will make the pain go away. You just have to live with it.  Everyday, it will be the first thing you will think of. Until one day... it will be the second thing." - Reddington

All Good Things Never Last

Some realizations hit slow.

Some realizations hit hard.

Some realizations hit fatal.

I realized that the love of my life has left me. I search my mind for a reason that I can understand. I search my heart for an emotion that I can bear. I search my soul for a void that I can fill. I search but there is nothing.

I am dead.

I close my eyes so I can be sad.  I close my eyes so I can be mad. I close my eyes so I can cry.  But all the love we shared envelop me. The happiness that we shared lift me above the pain. I am cocooned in beautiful memories that will carry me through the rest of my life. I remember how his face lit up when his eyes find me in the crowd. I remember how radiantly he returned the tiniest of my smiles. I remember the twinkle in his eyes when he gazed into mine. I remember the laughter and the tears. I remember him. I know that he will love me forever as I him but it simply had to end.

Ooooh, I want to pray to God to give him back to me. I want to ask the gods to help me find the way to make him come back to me. I want to have him back in my arms. Back to me... please, please... back to me, I beg. But I won't.

The pain is so great that I must surrender.

I am dead.