The Last Day Of 2014

And so we reach the end of 2014.

Except for the first quarter, 2014 was relatively quiet for me. I have not been able to blog about anything because I lost my pen. I'm going to give it a try today to see if I am still able to string meaningless and meaningful thoughts together. 

I celebrate the graduation of my daughter, Kayla, from college. I have accomplished a parent's obligation of education. She is now employed and is driven by ambition and hopefully, with the few financial duties that I gave her, she will be fueled by the need to excel and prosper.  I remember how back when I was struggling to make ends meet as a single mom, I would aim to lower the percentage of expenses versus income by getting better and higher paying jobs. Will Kayla be so as well?  By my count, I went to work for at least 10 companies since I began working 25+ years ago. This is probably the last. Like any parent, I wish for a brilliant career ahead of her.  May she have the privilege of concentrating on her life unburdened by serious mundane concerns like maybe an invalid mom (God forbid!!!  May my life be snuffed out instantly in a tremendous head-on collision at 140kph!!!). Kayla told me that our family tend to either die at 52 or live to 100 so she knows if I survive 52, she'll need to save up for a nurse.  

I have a new baby girl, Peewee!  She's a sweet little blind dog who is actually my pack's family.  She's the daughter of Cukay's only girl, Pinkay, from her first litter. Cukay is going blind in one eye. Chikoy is getting a bit lazy and stays in bed even when I leave our bedroom. I am sadly realizing my doggies are getting old and I will have to say goodbye someday.  

What now is in store for me in 2015?  According to Sweeper Lu-Tze, the year of the Goat is not a very good one for the Rooster but due to its resiliency, the Rooster will prevail. I guess all bad news should come with some good news or there will be mass suicide. Despite this doomsaying, I'm going to throw care to the wind and seek adventure!  I'm excited to go on vacations that I have not been able to take due to tuition fees and well, I simply can't leave the office for very long.  I will be going solo on most of my trips this year.  It may sound odd, even sad, to some but if I wait for someone to go with me I might wait forever. 

Everything else is the same.  All I need are my little baskets of proven love and happiness to last through my roller coaster life. When it ends, it can be said, I fully lived an insignificant life as insignificantly as my insignificant self could live.

For it is written, "whatever you do will be insignificant so just do it."

My Megaquake

I spoke too soon about the absence of heartaches in my life.  Curses! I forgot to knock on wood when I declared it!

I just went through a megaquake that shook the very foundation of our life.  Everything was shattered.  I endured multiple major shocks that rattled every fiber in my body every minute of the day and night for weeks.  The aftershocks were relentless.  All functions stopped.  I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think straight.  I was a mess.  I died.

And for what?  For some pictures I saw on FB.  He claimed ignorance of the flirtation that was plain to see in those pictures.  I didn't believe it.  I was consumed with intense jealousy, bewilderment, disbelief, anger, disgust, disappointment and sadness all at once.  The gamut of emotions reduced me to a crumpled heap of weak, tearful nothingness.

He tried to help me.  I know.  I saw.  I heard.  I felt.  But I was way beyond outside help.  There was absolutely NOTHING anyone can do or say to make me whole.

Twice, he seemed like he wanted to give up on me.  They were like power kicks to my plexus.  They resonated confirmation that for him, leaving me would be as easy as pie.  No sweat.  It's as easy as cutting me off and putting the phone down or telling me never mind.  That was all I was.

The people around me started to notice how I was wasting away.  My yaya kept preparing my favorite dishes that I hardly touched.  My co-workers gave me small gifts and sweet notes to cheer me up.  Then one day, after we tried to resolve the problem the previous night and I got stinking drunk, I woke up free.  There was an eerie silence in my head.  "THE VOICES ARE GONE!" yelled Roland.

I am healed!  Or am I really?  Just like Roland and the unfinished key, the voices are still there albeit faint.  Sometime during that drunken night, one of my other selves, The Special One, gathered me up in her arms and carried me home.  She anointed my broken body with healing oils.  She applied salves to my wounds.  She chanted magic spells.  She drew runes in the air.  She spun a web of protection around me.  Then she went and closed the door that I opened.

Thor is the biggest love of my life.  Perhaps always and forever.  That is the truth.

I am happiest when I am with him.  Perhaps always and forever.  That is the truth.

The pain was unspeakable but I survived.  That is the truth.

Scarred, it is still me in many aspects but I am not the same.

That is the truth.

The First Day of 2014

Ah, 2014, another year filled with promises of better times.  It is the year of the Horse and according to our feng shui expert, astrology.com, this year is another lucky year for an earth rooster such as yours truly.  I dread how it will be like if it were a bad year for me since the past couple of lucky years have been difficult.

Yaya is away on her customary New Year vacation so I am doing the household chores.  My body is full of little wounds.  The kitchen is so hazardous that it should be barricaded!  I get stabbed not by knives but by forks and spoons while doing the dishes and these as-seen-on-tv wonder tornado mops are not easy to use!  Can I go back to the office tomorrow?

I made the New Year's Eve dinner last night.  It was hardly edible but Kayla and Mom gamely cleaned their plates.  Why is it that when I watch chefs cook they always say add a pinch of salt here and there but my pinch of salt turns out either tasteless or too salty every time.  Their couple of minutes on each side result in nicely seared, tender, juicy slabs of animals while mine turn out tough, dry, pale and unappetizing.  I'm making ready-to-cook breaded chicken and simple tomato pasta for lunch so this may be better.  I ought to have mercy on my family and stick to take-out.

I read a post from PAWS about how to protect our pets during the noisy New Year celebration.  They do NOT like watching fireworks.  No, they don't stare at the dancing lights in wonder but in fear.  They do NOT like the noise as it is amplified a gazillion times for them.  Poor babies. Bawzie was particularly scared last night and he showed it by acting like a cat.  He slunk against my legs, climbed on to my lap whenever he could and had a horrified look on his face all night long.  Chikoy and Mojee Boy were their usual fierce selves bouncing on their paws, challenging each explosion with hoarse little barks.  Cukay, of course, ignored all the excitement and slumbered with her nose touching the leg of my chair.  They are catching up on sleep now, happily dreaming puppy dreams, yipping and paws twitching.  

I, on the other hand, need to go back to housework!