Another year gone. Many of us would look back to mark our life events. I look back at mine and realize it was a routine year. Work, home, work, home. Was there really anything significant enough for it to be a life event? Nope. Everyday was the same. Work, home, work, home.
Just like last year.
Except 2013 was a happier year. No heartaches that bewildered me. This year, my lovelife was clear-cut, no questions as to where we were going to go -- nowhere permanent although possibly long-term; no doubts as to what I mean to him and vice-versa -- nothing permanent although possibly long-term. No grey areas. Clear. Crystal. It's great that it's simple. But since I am female, nothing is ever simple. I tend to make things complicated with imagined scenarios, whims, caprices and idiosyncrasies. I get jealous. I get envious. I get moody. And, boy, can I get irrational! There are times when I want to stomp my feet like the spoiled brat that I am and demand for more attention, more time, more whatever, but I don't because it is pointless. I just put on my Gollum, my precious, face and seethe until I come to my senses. I take comfort in the knowledge that I can simply walk away when things get too tough just like the song "when the going gets tough, the tough get going" or the other one "these boots are made for walking and that's just what they'll do".
Still, I cannot help but feel a little sad, a twinge of pain or a wee bit disappointed even if I know there is no reason I should. Like when he says he'll pass by but gets lost in time with his golf buddies then he needs to rush home. On the rare instances when this happens, I feel a yearning to be with a man who is free. He who need not rush home. He who need not lurk in dark corners to see me. He who can take me out. He who can give me everything that I want and need. He who can be my boyfriend, my husband. He who does not exist or is yet to be found.
As I said above, I had no heartaches that bewildered me aside from the few almost-heartaches that I had no choice but to shrug off. Manageable with the least of efforts.
So here I am, killing the last few hours of the year talking pointlessly, nibbling Cukay's fruitcake (the BESTEST!), smoking, waiting for my turn on Words with Friends, listening to my neighbors' karaoke, waiting for any sign from my precious that he remembers I exist and looking forward to another year as if I had any other choice.
All in all, 2013 was a good year. It was a celebration of life and love with a firm grasp of the reality that it is temporary although possibly long-term.
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