The GEM Rises Again

"O, beware, my lord, of jealousy;
It is the green-ey'd monster, which doth mock" - Shakespeare

It started when he told me he and his colleagues went to a girly bar.

I know.  It's silly.  It was nothing.  It was business.  It was just a night out with the boys.  It is hardly likely that he participated in the shenanigans.  

Oh, but no! The green-eyed monster (GEM) lives in me.  He is alive, he is strong and he will seize every chance he can to make me crazy.  He lurks in my subconscious and looms his ugly, glowing, green head in the dark.  The dreams!  The dreams woven by the GEM are vivid and undeniably possible.  They jolt me awake at night.  If I didn't believe in this man, they could be true.  They do bother me and I have a zit to prove it! 

The part of me that is a slave to the GEM is tearing out her short hair in misery while the other part that is not is looking at her in disgust and plays with her long locks in mockery.  She is displeased with this idiocy.  

No matter how illogical and unfounded my angst is, I cannot help it.  I cannot control it.  I cannot manage it.  I cannot dismiss it.  I cannot solve it.  I cannot resolve it.  I lose the battle each and every time.  I crack jokes about it during the day and defiantly stick my tongue out at it but in the middle of the night when I gnash my teeth, it is not funny.  Oh ko!  Oh ko!    

Just this moment, he sent me a text, "Good morning, mahal" and it made me smile.  Sweet!  I heard the GEM whisper in his raspy voice, "Oh? What if he sent it to someone else, too?"  Evil!

Regretfully, I allow the GEM to steal peace of mind and happiness from my life.  

What balderdash is this?!?  I know I am the ONLY other one! 

Antsy Me

I feel I am not doing enough.

I think I am not doing enough.

I know I am not enough.

Once in a while, I get this inexplicably strong urge to do something daring in the belief that it will catapult my ordinary life to another titillating level.  A level that is going to knock my socks off and leave me gasping for an ordinary life.  I guess this is not unique to me.  Everyone must get this feeling otherwise we will all rot in complacency.

Sometimes, I open a blank page on Word because I am besieged with a searing desire to write. And, hey, be mindful that THIS particular piece that I am about to write is not just another blah blah blah piece but this is going to be THE book that is the purpose of my life.  And then I stare at white... 

I've been feeling the need to go away on my own lately.  Just up and go without a care in the world.  Why wait for another friend to tag along.  Why wait for Kayla to have free time.  Why depend on someone else to make something happen.  These are not questions I ask for they are declarations I make.  

Behold my manacles!  They are going to shatter and I will be on the move!  I will seek to fill this void that is buried deep in the core of my being so that I will wobble no more!

Why the 'ell not!?!?  I go!!!

Oh, but I gotta send Kayla to school first and attend to the gazillion pending things in the office.

BRB!!!

October 2012

Already?!?

Why, it's practically the end of the world! 

A guy I frequently liaised with dropped dead a couple of weeks ago.  It was so sudden.  He simply dropped dead.  I viewed his remains to say goodbye.  He had a smile on his face.  He seemed at peace.  Way to go, Gary!

My own world almost ended last Thursday.  As I slid into a tight spot to the left of a taxi at the head of the lane and stared at the traffic light waiting for the other side's yellow light so I can turn left, it went through my mind that someone might beat the red light and hit me if I went about my usual millisecond-into-the-green-light zoom-zoom-zoom take off. There was a wall to my left high enough to block my view of the perpendicular street so I could get broadsided if someone did.  I idled... and true enough an SUV went zooming by even when we had the green light.  I could have died that night if I weren't in a languid Norah Jones mood.  Was that one life gone?  How many more left?

What if I did die that night?  What would happen?  Kayla will be OK.  She'll be taken care of by my friends and she'll find good homes for my dogs.  What about my beloved?  He will be consumed with sorrow.  He will miss me for a long time but his family will help him heal.  The thought of him painfully remembering me whenever he went to the places we went to (except our private place!!!) or did stuff that we did together (except s**!!!) or heard a song that I liked brought tears to my eyes.  How sad!  

Even sadder is if he died.  I will be broken.  I will always wait for the good morning text.  I will always wait for the morning call.  I will always wait for the smileys and the amishoos (Hah!  No arabias!) sent to me throughout the day.  I will always check my rear view mirror if he's there protecting my back until we part ways.  I will always wait for the good night text.  I will always miss his smile.  I will always miss how he looks at me.  I will always miss his corny jokes.  I will always miss his laugh.  I will always miss his kisses.  I will always miss his embrace.  I will always miss nestling in his arms.  I will always miss him.  With no way to heal, that part of me will be dead.  There will be no music in my life.  There will be no light.  

Always.  

Forever.  

Clearly, I MUST die first.