Friday, March 30, 2012

Scorpio Nights 1

This is the AOL's undisputed favorite Filipino crime/soft porn movie.

The story is set in a poor community where families lived in rooms in a dilapidated building. It is about a peeping Tom who kept watching his downstairs neighbor's routine. The man, who was a security guard on graveyard shift, would come home at night humming, have dinner, wash his hands, brush his teeth and have sex with his wife as she slept. One night, peeping Tom accidentally bumped the couple's door open. He decided to grab the opportunity. He pretended to be the husband, hummed, moved the dishes around, poured water as if he's washing up and had sex with the wife. He kept doing it thinking she didn't know until they became lovers. Their shenanigans fired up her stack, so to speak, and became more aggressive with her husband. This gave him the clue that something was going on. So one night, he came home early and caught them in the act. He shot them and as she lay there dying he had sex with her until she died then shot himself.

I was shocked! It was unspeakably sordid!

The setting was dismally miserable. The characters were individually remarkable. The fervor of the young lover was rabidly realistic. The wife's frustration and compassion for her husband were intensely tangible. The husband's grief when he was suspicious of his wife was deeply touching. His stoical coldness when he caught and killed them, the final sexual act with his wife followed by his suicide was poignantly terrifying.

Truly a work of art.

Unforgettable... even for oblivious me.

Is It Playtime Yet?

The other day as I rounded the corner, I almost bumped into a vampy-looking girl in all black with Goth make-up and big hair standing in the middle of the hallway with her arms crossed. I practically jumped out of my skin! I thought it was my cousin sent by the "hot man" to fetch me so that he can give me a good whipping for not wreaking havoc on earth. Gawdz!

I've been such a good girl, I think my wings are turning grey. I've just been staying home a lot. Reading six books all at the same time. Watching movies that the AOL recommends I watch. He wants us to build common ground. I have to exert the effort because it is I who lacks the common interest in life in general while he is voracious for knowledge. My apathy horrifies him.

I'm getting tired of being a "good girl." I feel like I am transported back to the time when I was in primary school forced to stay indoors to work on my homework. I want to go out and play!

Hmmm... I wonder, if I throw the ball in the air, who will catch it?


Sunday, March 25, 2012

The Sacrifice (continued)


Who am I fooling with deadlines where the AOL is concerned?

No one else but myself.

I am The Fool.

AOL's Fool.

I might as well wear motley.

Friday, March 23, 2012

The Sacrifice

The AOL kept asking me why I was sacrificing for him. Why am I just gritting my teeth when he's not available to see me? Why do I just smile when he asks me if I'm OK? Why am I not going my merry way like I used to in the first five years of our "thing"?

Why indeed?

"I runno" as Tala used to say... Oh, brother! Of course I know but I'll not say it to his face. Of course he knows but he wants to hear it. What a conundrum this is! I suppose this will be how it will be for the rest of our lives. Two people who are loath to show any vulnerability where the other is concerned. Two people who will keep at nonchalance to be safe. Two people doomed to be together yet far apart. How melodramatic we are and yet we both claim to absolutely detest drama. After more than four decades alive, we both are too afraid to take life by its horns.

I'm beginning to understand why he never got hitched. All he needs to live is his career. All his efforts are focused on work. The rest of his life will have to simply grit its teeth until he has time. As for me, well, I runno... I've tried and I've failed and I'll keep trying til the day I find the one who will love me til the day he dies. This time around, I think I should be extremely patient. I'm keeping my horns and my tail tucked in for as long as I possibly can to give this the best chance to succeed.

I'll give him until this weekend.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Unofficially Exclusively Yours


This sucks. Big time.

I never knew I could miss anyone so bad that I would hurt. I never thought anyone can be important enough to miss. It's driving me crazy. I guess this is because of the exclusive part of the situation. I don't mind the unofficial part because titles or labels don't really matter at my age. (After all, I can hardly be called a girlfriend.) But being exclusive means I don't get any entertainment from any other source. And that sucks BIG time! I have never gone exclusive.

So far away... so far away for far too long. What a marvel that he is busier than I am. What a marvel that I am now on the receiving end of being "forgotten" because of work. I totally understand being so busy to neglect someone but I am totally bewildered that it is happening to me.

Oh well, as the saying goes, "There's a first time for everything."

And yet another saying, "Whatever!"

Saturday, March 17, 2012

The Plan - Failed

I've been like a b**** with a bug up her a** for the past few weeks. I've been giving the AOL h*** like he's really there. He finally snapped at me yesterday. I was SHOCKED! No one has ever snapped at me. No one! EVER! What the 'ell???

I was so pissed I almost went on a hunt for a stranger (or not) to have reckless, wild s** with and not inform my "guardians/trackers" about it. But it was too early. I met up with Cukay and demolished a bottle of a really nice Spanish wine instead. One bottle because it was too expensive and besides, I was sloshed after 2 glasses. Thankfully, I have a friend like her who says yes, let's go, without even waiting for me to say where.

I decided I will not speak to him until I finish reading this lovely book that my thoughtful daughter gave me. It's a Stephen King. I'm on page 31 of 1457 pages. Ok, that's an exaggeration. It's just a few pages over 1000 and weighs about 3lbs. I can only read about 10 pages a night because of the weight. That ought to take long enough for me to step back and regroup. Yes, that is the plan.

At 0632, my phone rang. It was the AOL.

Ring!

One ring and I answered. ONE! Not even two. What happened to the plan? Curses! Curses! Triple CURSES!

I cannot play with this guy. I gotta give him credit for patiently trying to keep things smooth between us, though. My kind of crazy can be too much for a lesser man.

Monday, March 12, 2012

My First Flat Gadget

I finally own one!

I have a Samsung tablet that I am only beginning to appreciate. I put my music, ebooks, chatting tools and games in it. Yes, it is added weight in my bag but immensely useful when I need to wait.

Speaking of which, I must say I hate waiting! I think it is so disrespectful, inconsiderate and uncivilized! What's worse is making me wait and then not show up! Now that is downright rude.

Never be late! That's one of the lessons my late father taught me. Possibly the only one.

But with my little device I can bear waiting just a little bit.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Paul and A Chick Flick

Paul, my movie buddy, and I went to the movies last night. It looked so funny. There he was, a big, muscular, macho American, trudging beside me to a watch the movie that I chose. He mumbled something about there being so many action movies and I had to choose a chick flick as we were entering the theater. It turned out to be quite entertaining though.

It was entirely his fault. For an American with a super fast car, he tends to be tardy. I got there 10 minutes too early and I managed to buy two pairs of shoes and choose the movie. He swore he will not be late next time so that he would have a say in what we'll watch. I have yet to see the day.

It's great to have a movie buddy. Relaxation at its maximum.

I love it!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Emptiness

I have only one thing in my mind...

Empty space.

I'm a blank.

I see no colors.

I hear no music.

I speak no words.

I feel no emotions.

I await... nothing at all.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Love and Nurturing Required

Women need this more than men, I think. I need more of this.

My male friends told me it's different with them. They tend to neglect and take women for granted. They get complacent when in a relationship and count on their women's love and devotion to be unwavering. They don't realize they need to show or declare theirs periodically.

So how does this work? Do women just grin and bear it? Are we supposed to just go with the flow and wait for our man to be in a romantic state of mind? Are we supposed to just chill out and assume we are loved? Are we expected to just give love and devotion selflessly without needing to get it in return? Is this just? Where is this written?

I think I deserve to get plenty of declarations and tangible expressions of love. I get restless if I don't. I need to be adored. I need to see that I am the only one he looks at, thinks of and dreams of. I need to be worshipped. I can't sit around waiting for attention. I can't be neglected. I can't be quiet in one corner until it's my turn. I can't be trusted to be patient. I gotta be up there in the priority list or I will stray.

Time is a-tickin'. Tick... tock... tick... tock... Is this a countdown that I am hearing?

Tick!

Tock!

Tick!

Friday, March 2, 2012

The Green-Eyed Monster


This thing is a permanent resident in my life. No matter what I do, it will not move out.

It lies dormant, waiting for the tiniest chance it can grab to suffuse my life with misery. It is unbelievably resilient and cannot be eliminated by any kind of treatment. Oh, how it can drive all logic from my mind. The stories it can concoct would rival any tale written by the combined efforts of all great storytellers from the beginning of life. Stories so real that any reasoning, internal or external, simply withers and fades away, making me seethe.

I know it is stupid to listen to TGEM. But what if? WHAT IF? What if what it's saying is true?

What makes it worse is it works in tandem with The Evil One. She who nags me to go do fun, nasty stuff. One call... one text... that is all it will take. Let's go! She signals the devil himself to strew my way with temptation. I am attacked from all sides!

There is a tangible heavy feeling in my chest. I'm surprised there's no anvil or something of the sort on my chest when I look down. I can't shake it off.

Begone! Begone!

Woe is me.