AOL (continued)

A few days ago, I didn't think I could ever write about AOL but the need to let it out is too much that I will break if I didn't.

I have had so many relationships in my life. Soooo many that I can't remember them all. But not one ever made me as deeply sad as this one. Not a one. What's funny is it wasn't even a real relationship. I have always believed that an FB can never flip to be a BF.

I wouldn't say it's over but it's at a standstill. He kept telling me he thinks I am just playing and maybe I am although I strongly suspect that I am not. I am definitely not sure but not solely at fault. It stemmed from his being so secretive and mysterious. I don't know why. Could it be a defense mechanism? Could it be a challenge to me and my intel? What... I have no inkling.

For a short period, I was truly thrilled. I was simply and starkly happy. It felt like he really cared for me. I enjoyed how he often called and sent me text messages every day and every night and how we just stayed on the phone as if he wanted me to be wherever he was. I loved how he tried to see me as often and for as long as he can. I was thrilled that he would drive from so far away just to be with me for a few hours then drive back. I found it sweet that when he was asleep, he would suddenly wake up to gather me in his arms. I was tickled by his occasional jealous fits. I saw and felt how he exerted effort to give me what would make me happy.

I started to open myself to him. I started to let my guard down. I started to have hopes. I started to hold him closer than my arms could. I started to let him get under my skin. I started to miss him. I started to care for him. I started to love him.

Suddenly, without warning, he told me I was getting too emotional and he didn't like it. He pushed me away. He stepped on the brakes. I stepped on the brakes. We both screeched to a halt.

Now, I feel he is regulating it all. It feels like he is rationing the time he spends with me. I feel he set limits to our communication and the frequency of him seeing me. Yet he told me he misses me... "absolutely, crystal clear, beyond reasonable doubt". I do, too. So what the hell is going on? He once told me he will always go back to me. ALWAYS, he repeated, and I should remember it. So I ask again, what the hell is going on?

We both had songs for the other. His song for me was "Touch Me In The Morning" while my song for him was "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow". Evidence of our uncertainty.

I have always believed that an FB can never flip to be a BF that's why "I Hate Myself For Loving You".

I wrote earlier that I woke up one morning and it was nothing. I lied.

I am very, very sad.