Kayla and AOL

The two dogs (Kayla - wooden dog; AOL - golden dog) finally met yesterday. I was nervous because Kayla can be brutal.

I could hear them chatting while I was in the kitchen preparing lunch (that means I was popping leftovers in the microwave). They talked about books, games and other stuff. Then they had lunch together and I stopped listening to their chatter.

Later, when AOL left, I asked her what she thought of him. She said if he makes me happy, he's ok but she's not completely sold on him because he lies to me. (please refer to earlier blog, SECRECY).

AOL asked what she thought of him, too. I told him she thinks he's ok.

All in all, what I thought was an event turned out to be uneventful.

Seeker

Now that I have accepted my predicament with The One and decided not to mull over matters I have no control over, I am bored again.

I get this really strange sensation in the area between my shoulder blades. It's almost as if my black bat wings are trying to sprout from under my skin. My eyes dart left and right as if trying to spot anything interesting that might be happening. Suddenly, sounds are amplified and I can hear the faintest sound from across the room. I am crawling in my skin for want of entertainment. Ah, so it is.

Deep inside, I admit I'd rather snuggle up to The One but since I can't, I am bored.

Snuggle, snuggle.

Snicker, snicker.
Wings a-flutter,

Go, seek disaster.

AOL (continued; continued)

I give up.

I'll not fight this.

I'll go with the flow.

Come what may.

I'll survive whichever way it goes.

For now, he is The One.

I'll just enjoy it.

AOL (continued)

A few days ago, I didn't think I could ever write about AOL but the need to let it out is too much that I will break if I didn't.

I have had so many relationships in my life. Soooo many that I can't remember them all. But not one ever made me as deeply sad as this one. Not a one. What's funny is it wasn't even a real relationship. I have always believed that an FB can never flip to be a BF.

I wouldn't say it's over but it's at a standstill. He kept telling me he thinks I am just playing and maybe I am although I strongly suspect that I am not. I am definitely not sure but not solely at fault. It stemmed from his being so secretive and mysterious. I don't know why. Could it be a defense mechanism? Could it be a challenge to me and my intel? What... I have no inkling.

For a short period, I was truly thrilled. I was simply and starkly happy. It felt like he really cared for me. I enjoyed how he often called and sent me text messages every day and every night and how we just stayed on the phone as if he wanted me to be wherever he was. I loved how he tried to see me as often and for as long as he can. I was thrilled that he would drive from so far away just to be with me for a few hours then drive back. I found it sweet that when he was asleep, he would suddenly wake up to gather me in his arms. I was tickled by his occasional jealous fits. I saw and felt how he exerted effort to give me what would make me happy.

I started to open myself to him. I started to let my guard down. I started to have hopes. I started to hold him closer than my arms could. I started to let him get under my skin. I started to miss him. I started to care for him. I started to love him.

Suddenly, without warning, he told me I was getting too emotional and he didn't like it. He pushed me away. He stepped on the brakes. I stepped on the brakes. We both screeched to a halt.

Now, I feel he is regulating it all. It feels like he is rationing the time he spends with me. I feel he set limits to our communication and the frequency of him seeing me. Yet he told me he misses me... "absolutely, crystal clear, beyond reasonable doubt". I do, too. So what the hell is going on? He once told me he will always go back to me. ALWAYS, he repeated, and I should remember it. So I ask again, what the hell is going on?

We both had songs for the other. His song for me was "Touch Me In The Morning" while my song for him was "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow". Evidence of our uncertainty.

I have always believed that an FB can never flip to be a BF that's why "I Hate Myself For Loving You".

I wrote earlier that I woke up one morning and it was nothing. I lied.

I am very, very sad.

4 Years Later (continued)

Aha!

He's exactly 1 year, 3 weeks and 3 days younger than me.

He's a Gemini.

He's a dog.

And then what?

Nothing.

I just know now.

For sure.

Cock and Dog

Make Room For Life

I've been whining about my love life (or the lack of it) for ages. I bet my friends are so tired of listening to me.

Last night, I was with my let's-hang-out-because-of-coding-day buddy and he gave me an insight. He told me that in order for someone new to come in, I will need to let go of the old one(s). If I want to bring in something new, I will need to make room for it. I must have looked blank because he went on to elaborate. He said, just like if I want to buy new clothes, I will need to make space for them in my closet and in order to do that, I will need to give away those that I no longer use. I need to move old stuff out of my house to accommodate new ones.

How profound is that? That never occurred to me! I thought I can stuff everything in boxes, drawers, or jars stowed away in nooks and crannies for future reference. So naturally, I argued my case but he was firm about it. He told me that it is a MUST or I will never succeed in finding the one that I needed.

I MUST make room for life for it to happen.

Secrecy

I don't understand this.

Maybe for lack of guile, but all my life, I have never withheld information about myself should I be asked a straight and simple question. I am a boring subject for rumor-mongers because there is no dark secret in my life.

I never made up any story about some event in my life. I never hid anything. Why should I? It's not as if it will make a difference in anyone's life. It's not as if I am a moving force in the universe. It's not as if I matter.

Once upon a time, I found out that a friend made up a story about how my daughter came about. I think she did it in order to "soften" my image. She said the father of my daughter abandoned me when I was pregnant which is far from the truth. Even my daughter knows the real story. I felt betrayed because she made me seem like a victim in order for her friends to accept me. I guess she had no confidence in her other friends.

Anyway, AOL is a mystery. Mysteries intrigue me and once I am intrigued, I froth in the mouth to try to find out. I snoop. I ask. I ask someone to ask. I investigate. Everybody is separated by a mere 6 degrees or less. With minimum effort, a friend of a friend of a friend is usually all it takes in fact-finding.

I have been lied to. So what now?

I dunno...

AOL

Someday, I will be able to write about AOL.

Someday.

Moments of Inspiration

Have you ever been gripped by an idea so brilliant that it has got to be the solution you have been looking for?

It can be anything under the sun or as I always say, under a rock. It can be about how you should change the color of your hair. It can be rearranging your furniture. It can be going to the gym. It can be quitting smoking... (not for me!)

Ah, the myriad of things that can be done for improvement! How rich is the imagination! How innumerable are the ideas that can form in one's mind!

Henceforth, I will no longer drink to the bottom of every bottle! I'll see two.

Henceforth, I will no longer wish for the one true love of my life. Why limit myself when I can handle three!

Henceforth, I will no longer stay home waiting for something to happen. I'm going to go out and MAKE it happen!

Henceforth, I will no longer smile my wicked smile. I will laugh deviously!

Henceforth, I will no longer ask why. I will DECIDE why... oh, and HOW!

Henceforth, I say with my fist in the air!

Henceforth!

Let's go.

The Smell of Comfort 2

I got the precious package from Doc's Candles last Monday! Flower fragrance oil!

I opened it with glee in my heart as if I were a child unwrapping my favorite candy. Oooh! Finally! I positively thrummed with excitement. I couldn't wait to get home and fill my house with the heavenly scent!

And when I did!!! Oh! I don't know how but this scent totally stripped me of worries. It made me feel like I don't receive any BILLS! Unbelievably relaxing!

Since then, I have slept like a log. That's something I haven't been able to do without medication or alcohol for years!

I am so grateful to Mrs. Carstensen. Truly, she sent me a gift that is precious beyond words.

I Thought...

I was falling in love... At last. For real.

I was thrilled!

I thought of him every morning and dreamt of him every night. The sweet nothings we shared kept playing in my head. How we laughed together. How we enjoyed being together. How we missed each other when we were apart and how we were delighted when we saw each other. How it felt free and unencumbered. You know, the gooey stuff that happens in the movies.

For a moment, I thought maybe I should open up and let this man enter my world and see the side of me that no one ever sees. Could he be the one I was going to spend forever with?

Next thing you know, I'm yawning and stretching and I cracked my fingers and I shook loose my hair and... it was nothing.

There was just not enough there.

Dark Horse

This album is a compilation of songs that each says something about me.

It's a compilation of snippets of me.

A dream...

A hope...

A fantasy...

A wish...

A memory...

An offer...

A promise.

I am a dark horse.

The Smell of Comfort

A couple of years ago, I put order in the chaos in one of my cabinets and found a small vial of scented oil. I couldn't remember why I stowed something like that away but it was with my stuff from years ago so I figured I must have loved it. I took a whiff and oh, my! It smelled wonderful. So I lit up one of my oil burners and enjoyed the lovely scent that filled my house. The aroma transported me to when life was easier, simpler and less stressful. I couldn't quite identify where or when it transported me to but it was a comfort zone.

It was Flower Basket by Doc's Candles.

I searched for the store. I found out that they are sold in Landmark, Trinoma and Robinsons Galleria. Off I went on my first MRT ride to Trinoma to look for it last November. Failed. Oh ko! Then I went to Robinsons Galleria. Failed. Oh ko! So I called up the owner, Mr. Carstensen, to ask where they were and was informed that they can be found inside the department stores. Ah so!

Soon after Christmas, I got to chat with Mrs. Carstensen who was worried the scent had been phased out because they update the scents they carry. It turned out that she is a sister of a close friend! Can you believe that? I asked him several times if he could find it for me because the main store/factory was in the same city he lived in but he said he didn't know about it. Grrrr! He laughed when I confronted him about it saying he was just teasing me. Grrrr!

Mrs. Carstensen sent me a message yesterday that she found my scent in her warehouse and will be sending me some by courier. She said that it was a gift because I was her brother's friend and he's a good brother so his friends are her friends! Oh my! I didn't know what to say! What a generous gesture from a someone who didn't know me from Eve!

I can't wait to get this precious gift.

Cukay's Callos

All the Christmas parties made me positively waddling!

I do know that Cukay's Christmas callos catapulted me over the limit! It is absolutely delicious!!! It makes my lips stick together after just one bite, each and every one unbelievable tender, it's practically creamy!

Yesterday, I felt a tad bit under the weather so I took the afternoon off to catch up on some sleep. When I woke up after a refreshing 3-hour nap, I was craving for some of her callos. I sent her a message that she should really consider canning it. It is too heavenly to be available only during Christmas!

Beware the boundary to the waddling side though. You'll forget everything with the first mouthful.

My Hand/s and My Selves

My co-worker, David, who is very helpful, answers me as often as he can whenever I say something aloud.

Many times I tell him I wasn't talking to him but to my hand.

A couple of minutes ago, he remarked that my hand should learn how to answer me.

Duh?

It does... so does the other.

They drink, too!

With my other selves!

That's why we can finish a bottle in a snap!

Schnapps!

Kayla

I can't believe it has been 17 years since I first held a tiny little bundle of joy in my arms!

I remember how I first heard her cry while I was in drugged limbo in the operating room.

I remember how I tried to let her know I was her mother by exhaling into her face like a dog when the nurse held her to my face while I was still immobile from the anesthesia.

I remember how the nurse showed me she was completely normal by showing me her hands and feet in the recovery room.

I remember how her toes splayed open when I sniffed her foot and I thought, 'Aha! She didn't get my feet!"

I remember how I tried to care for her even while my arms were still weak from all the drugs.

I remember how my numb hands dropped the feeding bottle and was seized with fear when it landed so close to her head.

I remember how I tried to let her suckle as much as I could so that she could get as much colostrum as possible.

I remember her as a baby.

So who the hell is this tall, lanky, young lady sharing my life with me acting as if she's my mother?

Gee... imagine that?!? 17 years!

4 Years Later

4 years after I started this blog out of sheer boredom I am still the same. Still bored. Still looking to my hand for conversation.

Oh, wait. Not really. Because now, I am crazy enough to stalk this one person who is driving me nuts! Not to mention deploy people to get any kind of information they can find! Mwahahaha!

Why? Because he's driving me nuts! He's so real and yet so secretive. I don't know why. So it's driving me nuts! He makes me feel he stamped my forehead "OWNED"!

I hate games. Aside from word games like Scrabble, its online variations and of course, Mafia Wars!

Happy NYONYA! 2012 is a lucky year for Roosters like me according to the many astrology sites that I hit last December 30. Wealth and happiness galore! Woot! But beware the Rabbit, HIM! My nemesis. My double-branched enemy. Is he really a Rabbit? That's another mystery! If he were a Cancer, we're a perfect combination... but I suspect he's really a Gemini. In which case, I will have to Google all over again. Maybe I should use the ever-reliable F.L.A.M.E.S..

What nonsensical situation have I gotten myself into again?